Whateva You Like!

Do you often wonder why people have things you don't? Have you thought that you had been short changed just because you didn't get exactly what you wanted?

We've all been there before. I know I have. When I think like this I recall how good God is, and then I know that He does things; allows them to happen for a reason. Maybe we can't get that new job because there is something even better coming along at the present gig. Sometimes it requires patience, but it is essential to seeing God's plan.

Don't fret about the things you have no control over. It will just guarantee a big stressful headache where you should have peace. God wants the best for us all. Have faith and believe in Him who grants strength to the weak.

The Story of the Baby Bluebird

Here's a little morality story for you. I got this one from the movie My Name is Nobody.

There was a lonely baby blue bird chirping in its nest. It was cold, and the bird was hungry, so he decided to jump out of the nest and try to fly. Well, he wasn't quite able to get his wings to flap just right, and he fell with a "Plop!"

Still hungry and still very cold, the little bird chirped and chirped as loud as he could, until along came a cow who felt really sorry for the baby bird. The cow lifted its tail, and took a huge steaming dump on the bird. Even so, the bird was not cold any longer. All he needed now was some food.

He chirped his little heart out some more until along came a wolf. The wolf heard the bird chirping and took his paws and dug him out of the cow pie. He lifted the little bird up and ate him in one gulp.

MORAL to the story: Everyone who shits on you may not be out to hurt you. And everyone who helps you out of a jam, may not have your best interests at heart.

Secondary MORAL: When you're up to your neck in shit, keep your mouth closed!

Forward

Looking forward, one must be prepared for the unknown. Nearly six months ago I was seemingly at my wits end, wondering if I could possibly become the man that I want to be. I was literally lost within the wake of my choices, trying my best to decipher what it all meant.

Life is so crazy sometimes. One moment we could be angry at the world itself, collapsing inside as what we know to be true comes crashing to smithers. In the next instant, we are just happy to be alive, thanking God that even as we suffer, we are alive.

What I see now is that it is one huge puzzle, a life that we piece together, together, linking our pieces with so many others, helping to create the great experience that is Life. We are connected forever, whether or not we want to be.

God has set in motion such a great chain of events that it would be nigh impossible to unravel the tapestry. But I get it. I understand what transpires and why, and what must happen in order for us to reach the next level. I am no longer afraid of living. I accept commitment. I revere God.

What comes next will shock many, but it is for the best. My mind is at peace and I feel comfortable with my decision. God will take care of the rest.

Y'all be easy, man.

The New Hope Vote

Here we are, much of us crippled with that ever so familiar butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, on the eve of what will essentially become the most profound historic moment ever: the possible election of a black man to the highest office in the US, and the possibility of a woman as Vice President.

Either way this goes, the shockwaves will be felt throughout the planet, as we make way to reverse the damage to our reputation with other countries that we would normally have strong ties. Our relationships with many of our neighbors are strained, and people in our own country find the government action/inaction appalling and ridiculous to say the least.

I spoke to a soldier, an Obama supporter, and she remarked on how the War in Iraq has gone on too long, now with over 4,000 U.S. troops pushing up daisies, which leaves us with an option to pull out with 2 years. Many desire victory before we withdraw, but with no clear enemy, no face to place on terrorism, we are fighting blind anyway. Terrorism will never be quelled, for those who are willing to throw their lives away for one common cause, make an invincible opponent. They are everywhere...and we can't tell a terrorist from an orthodox sheikh. America is lost in the desire to destroy something we don't understand, and in that sorry ignorance, we may be digging our own graves.

So, be careful to vote for the possibility of peace, but more importantly, vote for what you believe in. My father and I disagree on the candidates, and his reason for voting is a bit of fanaticism in my opinion, but it is his right to choose. That right will be defended at all costs.

Box in Hand

The world waits for angled impressions, ideals with wings and blind morals, and with box in hand, I may wait as well. Heathen masses growl like angry jungle cats, ashamed at everyone else but themselves. I see them following one another like lemmings, each one different but the same, treading through mounds of capitalistic drivel like so much mud. Your thoughts have been subliminally telegraphed to your medulla oblongata via sneaking in the building like burglars as you watch Britney Spears systematically dismantle her life. Box in hand, I briefly misunderstand, is this country suited to the average man? Is this where I make my stand? Is that why I do what most can't, while they do what the can? There are false idols at work, those of flesh and sin, and those we hold close, and covet with a grin.

Box in hand - a gift of promise to share with the world...
A box in my hand, a man, a dream, a conqueror, a thief, a king.
A present for all who talk and scheme,
Open it up and see what I mean.

Excerpt: SOD

When I was getting ready to leave DC, standing in the bus terminal, thinking I had it all figured out to establish a new life and a new career back home, I was just oblivious to the circumstances that would mold a foundation of sorts for my future. My then-girlfriend Angela stood inside the building, her brown eyes teary and sad, not truly wanting me to leave, but knowing deep down there was nothing she could do about it. It was a powerful decision, one that would echo throughout my most significant relationships for years to come. I would become the King of Letting Go, the reluctant ruler of transformational experience. I had ended a four year relationship in order to trace my own path, and it would not be the last.

I had been living with Angela, and she was attending Howard University. I had been, subconsciously jealous of this, and I so much wanted to have a better life and an easier time pushing toward my goal. Yet, it was more likely I would face more adversity in the coming months.

Underestimated

Maybe it's difficult to understand our capacity to underestimate ourselves. Socially we have come to accept the limitations imposed upon us. We dress up in suits and trudge through our 9 to 5 with tunnelvision, just blind enough to miss the life that surrounds us.

I have decided to give myself time to establish a body of work and develop some essential writing skills that will give me perspective. I need to know the true scope of the vision I have for myself. Even as my purpose unfolds, I know that many people think that they have this singular goal for their lives that will define them and make their lives meaningful...alas, you will be disappointed.

You are inside the meaning. Here and now you serve your purpose by just being. It is when you live in the past that you lose that definition, and become spiritually stagnant. Your past is dead, and to feed on it means death to your spirit.

In my book, I do expound upon this much more, but this is just a bit to push you along and keep things in perspective. Do not underestimate your value and power to become the meaning...

Options

It's good to have options. Having options eliminates the reliance on a single outcome. When you are able to choose, you are also happier. I find it beautiful to know how many places I can travel, how many levels I can attain. It makes the world less obtrusive, and opens my mind to unlimited possibilities.

I dig living like the moments that come are in synch with who I am. I am not scared and no longer should I worry. It's been a few months since I have been concerned with anything in particular. I am glad the truth of God remains alive in my heart. I live to be blessed by the moments he gives me...so wonderful!

I am Life.

There are a lot of mistakes to recount. A lot of missteps to measure. Yet the great thing about life is that I don't have to dwell on anything. I can just be Marcelle. I don't have to worry, cause God got me. Everything he puts in my path is specifically meant for my spiritual advancement. So I no longer have to be the ghost of my true self: life and I are one.

In my next book I will be able to go into detail about all of this. I will be able to expound upon the poetry and deliver an understanding of what I am: positively and negatively. I will note how the ego is prevalent in much of what we all do and say...but it will not be the theme of the book. The theme is growth and awareness and advancement despite of the challenges we face and the way we grew up. Despite our environment or our belief system.

Read up on the book, "A New Earth". It should open a lot of eyes and help change lives. It helped me see a broader spectrum, and the truth behind my actions.

Write It!

I once thought the world was something it is most certainly not. I once had dreams, visions of what life could be- fantasies fed by the over bearing media sculpted illusion. A quixotic menagerie of exceptional lives that became my ideal. I should be ashamed to say it, but I own up to my ignorance. My life is nothing if not my own; I must carve out my own niche, and not be infatuated by the shine of one alien to me.

Why is it that we envy? Do we even understand that many folks who live these ideal lives are all surface for our understanding. We know nothing of the poor innerworkings that shake their foundations, much like our own.

My second book is ready. It's been ready. Seems like I have been waiting for the right time to present it. That time is now. Maybe it will finally allow me to be the individual I hunger to be, and the being God needs me to be. Somehow, that is probably wrong. I am already the man I need to be. I am Marcelle. I am Marcelle's life. Life and Marcelle are the same.

Surreality

It gets more surreal everyday. Sometimes I dream of these beautiful works of art that exhibit profound imagery and a hint of psychosis...like Dali's comic book. I see these pics sometimes, like advertisements of Anime and posters with figures shaped with solid black lines and flourescent colors. Makes me want to draw and rediscover the world that I left behind in art school. It grabs me each time, this vision, and refuses to let go.

Work cripples me. Wish I could just draw and write and be worry free. Guess that's a bit too far from this present state of darkness...

Hilary Supporters Don't Want a Black President

Seems that good ol' McCain has chosen a female running mate from Alaska. Now, one thing concerns me about his choice, and that is the fact of this woman being such a newbie, such an ultra-conservative political counterpart makes it seem as if he is a hypocrite.
Republicans have spent so much time blasting Obama for being so green, that I believe it all to be just a ploy, and nothing that speaks of real merit at all. If he built his argument against Obama around his experience, he will have to rethink his strategy when this 44 year-old mother of five comes into the fray.

These good ol' boys of the GOP seem to be in a tizzy on this choice. It was definitely a gamble for McCain, but will likely solidify his chances at the presidency since less than 50% of Hilary Clinton's supporters have said that they will support Obama. And what is the reason for that? Is it due to the issues that Obama addressed? Is it because he is inexperienced. Doubt that, kids. I think that racism has reared its head as sure as the sun burns bright. It is the only thing that I can think of that actually makes since. Those Hilary supporters just don't want a black man in the White House.

And its evident. Point. Blank. Period. These fools don't wanna see this black man win the presidency.

The Mind is Maya

"Not that it matters, but...yes."

What is the true reality of who we are? Are we each just the struggles that we are permitted to surmount? Are we the experiences that swell and swarm about us? Are we the days that fly past, so harsh and wonderful in their unyielding fortitude?

Maybe we are the ghosts of our real selves, perpetuating the cycle of inane choices are futile efforts to fill a hole that is bottomless. In all likelihood, I will never be enlightened. Just yesterday I spoke to my mother about getting colored contact lenses and braces. I told her that I recognized my ego at the forefront of these choices. I understand that the "real" Marcelle should have neither wants or needs. He should not care what someone thinks of his clothing, or about the car he doesn't have. He should only care about his link with God Almighty. But it is never that simple is it?

The Ego is an awesome thing. It is like a vast veil that covers the hidden secret of our spirit and the divine beauty of the world. It is a beast that we feed daily, hoping to quell its scream, to silence all needs so that we may feel at ease with who and what we are. Nothing is that simple though. Even to find the real you, it will take excessive faith and patience.

When you are out shopping next time, and you see those new Jordans or some nice outfit or even food, ask yourself "Do I really need this?"

Not that it matters, but I hope you all see through the mist that so thoroughly blinds us all.

What!?

Man, these posts are getting fewer. What's ready for the shelf right now is the attitude against progress. Gotta roll that one up, pa. Feel like drawing a lot. Been having visions of new works, new posibilities to create...working on posterboard!

I want to get to a point where I am doing one post a day consistently. Hell, cats need to be accountable for their lives, ya heard? Looking down the road, man, I wanna be runnin' my own business, have my own dough, and live a life with a person that doesn't get on my damn nerves.

I am completely free of nonsense now. I am just kickin' back and trying to stay tuned into God's plan for me. It's drastically hard, and I wanna yell "What!?" as loud as I can everyday. Just once. Everyday.

These Bastards...

Surely you jest, insisting my own perception is flawed, when you dabble in forecasting the changes in lives of others...you have possibly lost your mind, pseudo-intellectual fool, fancying your theological degree like a rare gem, when it is nothing but coal in a Christmas stocking. Bastard you, your lofty idealism is laughable, toting a Bible underarm and hypocritical concepts of life and love. People like you make me wanna puke up my own moral fortitude and give it to you in a cup so you can taste the difference.

You bastards, abandon a man at his lowest point, choosing sides like pain is not universal, like sorrow is not heart felt. I would have to be honest and say you sicken me. All of you, false friends that didn't even care what I was going through, but you were there for your girl. I commend you for being true to your nature.

Fulfillment

No difficulties here. Heh. I'm tripping, right now, sitting in a library about 8 stories up, thinking that the world is a much larger place than previously speculated. As of late, I have been posing questions to myself, wondering if I died today, would I feel complete? Would I be fulfilled?

Quickly, the question becomes, "Am I fulfilled?" Do I feel as if I have accomplished all that I set out to? Emphatically, no. Yet, I have striven for change and purpose and love and God, and I have found them all.

It is a wonder that some people commit suicide contemplating this life. It is sometimes a bit much to bear. Sometimes we just cannot let go of the past. At times, we feel we have no other choice. As the Good Book notes, it is a sin to kill anyone, even yourself, and you will pay for it in the fires of Hell. I don't take the Bible as literally as some folks, because it just wouldn't make sense to see it that way, but Hell could be something we have never thought of, something our feeble human minds cannot grasp.

The world is a much larger place that previously mentioned. I find myself at ease with seeing it all shine so bright in one moment, and be depressingly stark in others. It is the good and the bad, the give and the take, which balances this universe fully. One would be insignificant without the other. Best believe it.

To Anthony (a letter)

Dear lil' bro, I feel you man. I know it's hard when you love someone and you have to let it go. Through no fault of your own, she decided to leave, and it's okay kid. It's always darkest just before dawn, they say.

We are very gifted, all of us. The three of us will do such great things, that we must be prepared to find those people that will make us better. People are in our lives for a reason or a season. Find the reason and thank God for the blessing.

There is so much I wish I could talk to you about in person. When I look at you and Antoine it makes me recall my own childhood, it makes me happy to see myself in you both. Strong. Confident. Handsome. Talented. Full of potential.

I miss you man, and one day I will sit down and talk to you about my college days, my hopes, my fears. This is all here for you to read. Be encouraged dear brother. We are bonded.

Love you.

All the best.
Big Bro

Reparations?

Damn. Went to work and ya boy is actually off...so for this not to be a loss, I gotta hit the gym hard.

Yesterday I was at work and I spotted these 2 black dudes sitting in a black explorer. The cat on the passenger side was looking dead at me so a gave him the nod and went about my business. 2 minutes later I came back and they were still there, but this time the dude beckoned to me, "Hey bruh, can I ask you a question?" I said, "Yeah, kid, what's up?"

He was like, "Man, do you think American owes Black folks anything?" Easy enough question for me to answer. "Hell yeah", said I. "The thing is, how we gonna collect? What can we do about it?"

The dudes proceeded to give each other dap, laughing in agreement. "Hell yeah, man. We wit you on that. We gone take it. We gone take it back." There was seriousness in his tone, and for a second, I was alarmed by it. Take it back how?

My boy Gene works with me, and this dude is from Liberia. He was walking out just as I was finishing the conversation, and they asked me to ask him to come over. Later I asked him what he said to the question, and he said "I told them they owe Black people more than they could pay."

Damn. That's real. And that's coming from a dude who was born in Africa.

A Man Apart

I feel free now, and I believe it a true statement when I say I don't want to be with her anymore. Thinking on it as often as I have, it's better this way. Mainly because I am just so much healthier and in control than I've felt in so long. Even though I am a bit weirded out by the feeling of alienation that I receive from the people I met through her, I know we can never be. It really is over, and for a while I fought to maintain something, a piece of what we had, but to no avail. In my mind, I don't think what I did constituted such a reaction from her, but I am not her, and I don't have the right to say anything about her feelings. In the release, I feel awesome, and I can only remark about my own situation. I know God is more important, and self is more important. So I hope that in whatever struggles she endures, whomever she meets, may they treat her well. But there is no more for me to say or do. I am spent, and all I can do is walk away. I broke her heart, and I take the responsibility and I will own it forever.

Remember that Ralph Tresvant song "Break Her Heart" or "Do What I Gotta Do"? Whatever it's called, it sums up the whole thing for me...the whole breakup. "I gotta do what I gotta do and break her heart, cause though I love the girl I know that the best thing is for us to be apart...".

Goodbye Christie. My love is with you always. God bless.

This is all I have and all I will ever say about this subject to anyone. It is dead to me. Don't ask me, don't tell me, I don't wanna hear anything anymore related to the subject.

The Watcher, III or Falls the King

Some say the world will move on. Yet, what would it move on to?
Watching, cataloging ambitious jests
and surly men crouching like hungry beasts
to feed, to fulfill, to breed
and follow the irony in the culmination of experience.
They are slaves.
Rambling, haggard slaves chained to their past, linked to nothing.

And the world will move on
The shameless, boastful world of many proud men
sinful braggarts that breathe dust,
washing their hands in watery rust
There is no cleansing. There is no surgical procedure that will mend.
But you and I, you and I will meet at the end.
In the end we are slaves, carrying our chains and hanging our heads.

A watcher, watching a once hopeful now full of futility,
perished memory sliding through the slits in a soul
trickling down reminding, rewinding a mind that imploded
trusting trinkets and shiny rocks and forgetting that Death
should be held close. Life is the Enemy.
They hold on too much, hanging heads and singing hymns
heaping their trust in God when they can't trust themselves.

Where does it begin to topple? He muses majesty and
believes in power, so the mind grasps the esoteric,
puffed up like a pillow on manly deeds that profess
kingship. The king becomes the pawn, and the pawn falls
like the rest.
Falls the king.
Following a dream.
Founding a lie.

Jesse Jackson

For I said I would live my life for the Lord, and I know I skirt the lines sometimes, for righteous is narrow, and sin is wide, most times I'm playing outside the lines.

These days it ain't easy to see the truth, when it's shrouded in mystery. I can't say that I even know what it all means, or if it is supposed to mean a thing, but I call on a higher power.

I try to live like I should, and I know that I have made plenty of living like I shouldn't. This is a good time to reflect on what I do have. My fortune, and my failure, sides of the same coin, both revealed to bring a bit of strength to the soul. It's good to see it as it is and I am not going to be criticized or ridiculed for believing that I am somebody, like that man Jesse Jackson. Believing that I am something, someone, larger than my life. I serve a greater power, and that makes my ambition greater still.

Today was tiring, and now I just wanna kick back and read.
I think I wanna finish this book now...I believe I have a whole lot to talk about.

The Watcher, Deuce.

Watching the days like a maze, twisting at 90 degree angles, sharply changing my outlook and preparing me to prepare for adaptation, makes it hard to get used to being anything anyone wants, when I want someone to understand the real me. I watch it happen, standing on the outskirts of self, surveying the soul-landscape and I am unsure but thankful and proud and happy. I am the ghost of my true-self. I am the harbinger of unfortunate beauty. I am the height of the stars and the width of the cosmos.

I hold the essence of what it is to be: I am my own worst enemy.

Watching carefully, the charismatic political vampires perched, admiring the ignorance of the masses with mirth, my shadow falls on that which is cursed: a mind not aware of its worth.

Sell to me your backwashed gossip, stench-ridden lies propped on leaning tables like art. You would hang it on a wall, a diseased plaque looking like a mirror for the world's wasted youth, a haggard beast of a man with one tooth.

Watch this fall away, knowledge, the Lord says it will decay from minds first, so recall no riddles till laughter bursts, keep your hands in your own pocket and out of her purse.

I hold the essence of what can be known: your body is a shell and you are alone.

Watching what you will spin, your regrets, your mistakes that seethe again, reminding you that you should not be reminded and let the past be the end.

I am the Watcher.

Random Stuff

While the world is sleeping, Marcelle is still awake...

Caught the head of the world, the world on my shoulders
holding up the corners while y'all hearts grow colder
I'm a rover, of land, sea and air and all cities
committed to legit entreaties for your pity...

Nawl...ain't got it right now, but I'll save some for later. Been kinda off kilter these past few days. God tellin' ya boy remain patient, and for goodness sake, TRUST in HIM! I do, but sometimes it's so doggone hard to get a hold. Fightin' the devil everyday is something I was built for...I must win. I'm gettin' the feeling that the demons that chase me chase us all, and I'm not any different than anyone else, ya know? It's so cool that I can't think of anything that would make me happier than to walk around with the knowledge in my head that "we are our own worst enemies". That's some food for your noggin right there. You are what's holding you back...feel me?

I had a real bad night last night, but I made up for it today...ahhh, birthday parties. Gotta love them joints.

What Lies Beneath...

"You're just like a monkey...like a monkey with a cell phone you have no idea what's right in front of you."
- Dr. Sjit, Sudden Gravity: A Tale of the Panopticon

I wonder what folks think of me when they first meet me. I wonder if I am at all the type to leave a lasting impression. Do people think I am memorable? Or could I be forgotten just as easily as a morning piss?

The people you meet, they are much more than that surface meeting. I have become increasingly interested in what lies beneath all of that. What lives do they lead? What dreams do they hold? Are they much different than I?

I've met a few people lately that hold similar ideas and have like beliefs, even folks that listen to the same music as I do, which is crazy rare. I watch, and I learn people. I like to see if I can understand what they may be going through. Once again this is speculation, but with all I have been through, I know people have so much more interesting history behind the initial handshake.

I am much more than meets my surface, and that's why I have longed to understand who I am to the fullest extent. How can I say that I am Marcelle Ward, if I can't pierce the veil of fear that holds us all back from becoming? I have said it once before, but I am the man I am supposed to be right now. I will become even greater in the future.


Do people look at me the same way, wondering what lies behind the shirt and tie? Can they even fathom what is right in front of them?

Or would most rather not think of it at all, closing their minds to the possibility of something beyond their own shallow lives?



The mind is the sword. Wield it as a weapon, protect it and keep it sacred.

10 Truths to Living Well

This is the essence of what I have learned these last two months. God is good, and I am grateful.


1. Loving myself despite myself.
2. Being ok with the uncertainties of the future.
3. To not be preoccupied with what I have not done or accomplished.
4. To believe in myself.
5. Honor God above all things.
6. I will never have it "all figured out".
7. Create a foundation for family.
8. Give back and make it part of your life.
9. Use your gifts and talents to glorify God.
10. Treat others as you would treat yourself.


God is speaking to you right now...take the cotton out ya ear.

The Watcher

The Seattle night speaks to me in cryptic code, a language old, and I understand then the dark streets that move with spastic rhythm, oddly reflecting the motley assortment of people living therein, the pushers, the pan-handlers, the druggies, the club-hoppers, the drunks, the various pedestrian/vagrant ingredients all lumped together like southern mashed potatoes, looking for their own one-way dream road to the magnificence of living, hoping to be loved.

I am the not the night stalker, but an observer- the watcher, seeing the thoughts of the day manifested in the realm where most wear masks, hiding the shadows they cast by day, the images I see are only the projections, so when we touch, we don't touch each other, we are grasping at air, fingers caressing dusty nothingness with an eager flair. When we speak, we don't speak to each other, but convey intelligible wordplay to apparition avatars that fade when the buzz is killed.

A language old, the hidden, vintage vagabonds breathing guilt into guiltless interaction taking time to steal reality and leave lies in their place. There is care and there is grace in the movement, and I watch them dance their hearts away hearing the false shift in the sway of their hips. I suppose we, all, are looking, hoping, to cultivate honesty from a garden of fearful subterfuge. The night is a menagerie, an elegant mess that has a broken twinkle, an image that glows in the night but fades with the rising of the sun.

Here I am, wanting to holler for the truth that is in my face, quietly reaching for an answer I can't place. Could I be running after something I'm not supposed to chase?

I am the watcher, a son of none here, eager to see the beauty in all, facing the night to understand the day.

To be continued...

The 4th and the 5th Day

Block parties. Fireworks. New friends. Man, it was a good time had all 'round. My buddy Eric from work let me chill out his barbecue with some of his pals. Met a lot of folks into the same music I am, folks that even know about cats like MF DOOM and The Cunninglynguists. I was really excited to know that people even knew about the music I like and related. Hell, Eric knows every group I listen to and more. I have always wanted to share that aspect of myself with others. That's cool ish right there, dig?

Fireworks were off the heezy, and we got a chance to see it right from the top of a houseboat near the launch barge (or whatever). It was like a front row seat. They were spectacular this year, and I recalled The Fair St. Louis from my childhood. Amazing the wondrous things I have seen in 31 years. So much beauty in the world...I hope to see much more.

It is my birthday, and I just wanna thank God for another glorious year. Regardless of what happens, I'm tight. I'm steadily growing and becoming. Never burdened by my past, I was more concerned about the future and present. I had no quarrels with anyone...no grudges. Now I am the catalyst for change and my future is in my hands. My present state is magnificent. Becoming who God wants me to be. "Be" is future tense. But "I am" is the present. "I am" who God wants me to be right now, but I will "be" even greater later on. We are always becoming. The process does not stop until death.

I am Marcelle Ward and my mind is the sword.

...It's Where Ya @

"In my mind is the place where I make my plans,
In the world is the place I take my stand
The beauty of life is mine today
They cannot take my mind away."
-dead prez

I love that quote, and I felt it befitting for today. God is exceptional and a great architect, and he has made the world so beautiful that it is sometimes too much to bear. I used to think about how ugly things were where I am from, but there is beauty to be found wherever you go. You can allow your mind to roam free and permit all the troubles to fall away.

They say "it ain't where ya from, it's where ya at." True, for we must make the best of our situations in order to have the best lives possible. I continue to make strides in my life toward my goals. When I finally get to Vancouver, I hope to have a handle on it all. But I am here now, and I must make it all work for the better.

Today was gorgeous. I took a walk around the waterfront and downtown, just absorbing the goodness of God's grace. I am blessed, and I am highly favored. There are some pics for you to enjoy, contemplate, etc.

God bless.

Ch ch ch changes!

Looks like i'm gonna have to move the cocktail party to next week, July 11th. Better for most folks cause they can make it then versus the 4th.

It's a nice day today. Been footin' it around Seattle, kinda alone in my thoughts. These days make for a lot of introspection and meditation. Hit up the library earlier and then caught a matinee for Hancock. Pretty straight movie but really short. Bout to hit up this gym next. I'm down to about 227 lbs. now. Got 20 more or so to go...

A fine day for communing with the Lord.

God is speaking to you right now...take the cotton out ya ear.

The Pages of Days

The obscurities of the day drive the pages, fuel the manuscript for a life of soul searching and intellectual curiosity. There are pieces gone, missing pieces, in a car, in a home, remaining lost and cannot be put together regardless of intent. Even intending to be more is a translation that fades as indecision and inaction work their way through the veins of our lives.

The pages in the manuscript turn, and words invite the reader in and he is welcome past any particular nuance or grammatical error: the feeling is all. Yet, where can we draw the line between what we feel and what is real? How can this play out in an unsuspecting mind, used to : MTV and new seasons of The Bachelor. We are running towards decay, where the tomb awaits a speedy decline...

A regular man, doin' regular things. Keep it regular.

The Inner Image

I gave myself over to meditation today, just to take the edge off of a seemingly endless barrage of work over the past few days. Tired and hot and sweaty...but I shouldn't complain, cuz it was 50 degrees outside just 3 weeks ago.

When meditating today I focused on my inner image and what I would like to become when the process is complete. I have to reconnect and focus all my energy so that I can rearrange the physical and align it with my mental...again.

This has been done before, but I don't think that I had the same wisdom I do now...well, of course I didn't.

In thinking on how I should be eating, how much, what, as well as when, I have come to a solution. I will, at all costs, get back down to my ideal weight of 205. It's gonna take some time, but it will be done. I have already seen it...and I believe it. Victory is all in the mind. And the mind is the sword, my friends.

Get a chance, take a look at my new blog I am working on with my friends, called "Ministry of Seven: Elements of God". Just a collaboration I feel is long overdue. A meeting of the minds.

Wanted

I watched the movie "Wanted" last night and it left me in sort of a daze. It was an interesting movie cause it really made you think about how you really live life: as a sheep, doing things as you are told, just to get by or as a wolf, taking control of your own destiny.

The antagonist was asked repeatedly "Why are you here?", and uncertain answers got a well placed ass kicking. He finally answered, "Because I don't know who I am." interestingly enough, there are not enough of us who question who we really are.

Are we all making the best of what we have, are do we blow it all on mediocrity? I believe that the world is a lot more exclusive than otherwise assumed, because so few reach their full potential. I refuse, though. I refuse to be anything less than the greatest of men, the best of all I muster. I will not cower, and I will not tarry.

We all find the path, but who will follow it to its end?

God be praised.


Marcelle Ward

A Wonderful War

One would think it could be the change that makes a difference, but changes don't discern the connection with the Almighty. Peep game...


I walked roads long, dirt and dust catching in the fibers of my shoestrings, meaning to find a piece of me that had never been lost.

I changed how I began, thought about the end, doubled back on my tracks and turned around again.

I woke my spirit and questioned His Name, I fought a war within without knowing the feeling of shame.

I am the loss, I am the gain, I am the sun, I am the rain.

I walked before I became, behind the age of my mind I found the past and present the same, two sides, two planes, one goal, one game.

I am a stranger that could not recall his name, asking other men what he should already know. The blind warrior wandering. A fine man wondering. A design for a wonderful war in man.

I Never Win Anything, but...

Man. What an interestingly beautiful day. Wish I had taken some pictures! I went to this awesome restaurant called Ray's Boat House right on the waterfront in Ballard. Spectacular view! Everyone must go at least once if you live out here. Especially in the summer. Gorgeous.

I got a call from a girl named Amber from the Last Supper Club. Seems that she wanted to let me know that I had won a free cocktail party! What's even more awesome is she let me select the date I wanted to have it, and I chose next Friday, the day before my 31st birthday. I'm gonna try and invite as many folks as possible. Got some VIP going on, unlimited guests, no cover, special request songs...man, it's gonna be cool. First time ever having a party at a venue or club or anything similar.

Can't wait. I sent out a list to folks so they can come hang out. Should be a smashing good time.

The Last Supper Club
July 4th, 8:30pm, start. Gotta get there before 8:30pm to get in free, chumps!
It's in Pioneer Square, Seattle.

The Bright Things

"And that was how Kazamatsuri went out of my life. No trace of anger, no resentment, did he let show on his face. As I prayed for him, I felt something greater watching over me from above. When a man abandons ego and obstinacy, he can accept the gods and learn how to truly love. It took me a long time to learn that essential truth. The most important thing is to give your all until the very last."
- Samurai Fiction

You can replace "gods" with "God". I just wanted to place the direct quote there. The meaning is there, and that really is what is most important. Time and time again I catch these phrases from different sources and they lend a little wisdom in times of great need. I am glad I pay attention, because I would be much worse off.

I am positive and grateful for the wondrous many things that the Lord exposes me too. Knowing that the human spirit is both evil and good, we must put ourselves in the way of the positive and bright things within our lives, so that we may not succumb to the devil's trap.

I wish you all well. God be thanked!

Therapy, Part...Fin?

Half-way through the year, the Cancer entry for Free-Will Astrology in the week of June 19th, reads: “…I’m hoping you’ll look back six months from now and make the following declaration: This year I discovered everything that’s important to know about what I don’t need and who I don’t want to be. That’s one of the important reasons why (hallelujah!) I’ve learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I’m more at peace with my soul’s idiosyncratic destiny than I’ve ever been.” This sums up the lessons I have received succinctly. I could not have said it better.

I have had five therapy sessions, and really, I felt I was done when I finished my third. I have come to understand things now in a way that I cannot say I would have if all this had not occurred. I am fortunate now to know that I cannot change anything about anyone and I will fail at feeling sorry for myself when my life has not taken on the appearance of those whom I admire. So what. My destiny is with God and only He knows what tomorrow holds. All I can do is embrace the fear that comes when uncertainty rears, and react accordingly.

It is fair to say that I am doing exceptionally well, so much in fact that I haven’t felt this much peace is months. The doc says that we can cut back on the sessions, but I may discontinue them altogether. God has been with me all this time, and I have learned to rely on Him for guidance. I have sought patience, and He gives me plenty opportunity to exercise patience in my life. With customers, acquaintances, family members and others. I am glad that my life is all that it is, and I will not question God’s design. He has deemed me fit to be the Captain of my soul, and I accept the title with honor and dignity.

In the next six months I will continue to catalog my experiences and follow along with my life in a manner congruent with God’s own plan. I will trust Him and have patience. I will honor myself and others as well. I will grow within the Body of Christ and continue towards an admirable goal. I will become the man I need to be. Thank God for that.

Digi Snacks

My boy RZA was in town to promote his new album "Digi Snacks", doing a show at the Showbox Sodo in Seattle. Most will recall RZA as a founding member of the infamous Wu-Tang Clan. He was also in the movie "American Gangster" and has done soundtrack work for movies such as "Ghost Dog".

My ears are still ringing! The show began with some very wack presentation from a group called The Saturday Knights. Solomon Childs came next, blazing with a few solo joints. He was soon followed by a new Wu affiliate group called Stone Mecca. They were amazing to say the least, reminding me of neo soul group The Brand New Heavies. Later, they backed up RZA instrumentally and with background vocals.

RZA sounded like he just jumped out of the CD and onto the stage. He did an assortment of songs from his new album as well as familiar verses from other collaborations like Gravediggaz.

Check out the pics. I was right up next to the stage!

The Sword

Long ago, people thought of places and things as sacred and pure. They believed that there was such a thing as honor and fought hard to protect it. Today it is much the opposite, where there is no shame at in all in the things we do. This is sad, for I have heard somewhere that if shame does not exist in the people then the people will do anything and everything that is dishonorable.

I yearn for honor and for discipline, and I suppose I am not as successful as I would like to be at either one. Yet, I strive. A few days ago I purchased an authentic samurai sword. The reason being that I wanted to have something that felt sacred to me, so that I can show the Lord my faith. It is but a symbol; an extension of the same sword I hold in my mind...sort of the physical representation.

The mind is the sword. I believe this means that the mind is the most potent of weapons, and must be sharpened in the conflicts of life. Visualize the sword in your own mind, and be filled with strength and determination!

My Shoes/Your Shoes

I believe in newness and the future. I believe in redemption. I believe in the power of the human spirit. I believe in love...and within God, we find the most love of all.

Today I am pensive, reflecting on things that I cannot change, nor want to. I believe it is good to do this ever so often, that we can truly say to ourselves that we are better for the choices we have made...as long as God is at the forefront.

Sometimes I believe that my fear ruled many of my decisions. Other times, it has been the wisdom of my years that lent me understanding and foresight. But even more often, God has stepped in and granted me a reprieve in order that I learn a valuable lesson.

Someone asked me a while ago if I ever regretted anything in my life. I said no, yet that was not entirely true. I do regret some things, yet I was fortunate that in those situations, I became a better person. The person I am today. And I love myself still, despite all that I have done. I cannot say that I can regret a thing that has given me valuable tools to use in my life and to pass on to those in my bloodline. Rather written or oral, this lessons are indeed purposeful and can serve to make others better. I know I am better for it.

It is also key that people make their own mistakes. I have made quite a few, and I am not angry about it at all. I realize in my most recent dilemma, I had reached a point where I felt completely hopeless. I can't hope to convey to anyone the dismay I felt, but I am thankful that I was able to go beyond it and find my way to God again. We all play the clown now and again...it was just that my turn had come.

No one can tell me that I am a bad person. I will not allow anyone to look at me cross, thinking that I have done such irreparable damage that I should be ashamed. No one is aware of the pain I have felt, nor could I tell anyone exactly how it held me prisoner for so long. But now that I am free, I want all to know that I am fine and my mind is with God. I will still stumble along the way, but the foundation is set. I am ready to move towards my goals. All of them.

It does not matter what anyone else thinks. God is my only judge. I will walk squarely away from anyone that assumes they know my plight. NO one knows. But if you would like to walk through the darkness with me, I will hold your hand, so you would know of my misery. You may be surprised to learn that I am no different than yourself.

God be with you all. My love extends to each and every person of God. I am but a man, think of me as such, and remember the shoes we wear differ.

The Last Supper Club

Gene and I usually hit the town up on a regular, just to break the mundane routine, dig? We work pretty long hours and it's hard to unwind when you're tired most of the time. I guess all work and no play makes Jack a pretty dull kid, right. So it's been cool getting to hang out and make new friends, while not having to sacrifice any morals. Don't wanna lose my religion out there, right?

The joint was pretty packed and we were able to get in for free...seems that Gene always knows somebody in these places, and it turns out damn cool to grab a couple drinks and not be totally wasted trying to go home. I don't drink much at all.

The Last Supper is a split level club with bars on each floor, and 2 VIP lounges. We aren't exactly VIP, but we never pay either. There is techno/house mix up top and hip-hop below. It's cool to watch folks wild out and have fun. Last night this girl Gene knew just passed out in the street. Needless to say she was lit up like a Christmas tree. The girl was gone, and I said, "Dude, ya girl just passed out in the street!", to which Gene replied, "She's just like that. She does it all time." made me laugh when he told me he had take her to the hospital before. Brutality.

We don't get rowdy. We are some tax paying citizens having fun in the community.

EPMD (Eugene Pieterson, Marcelle Dionne)...We are about customer service, whenever, wherever.

Therefore...

I have been doing well and I can't complain. Keeping myself healthy has been a challenge since I moved into the new place. Hell, seems like I keep getting a cold and my allergies are popping off like the 4th of July. Yet I am alive and God gets the glory.

Yesterday was some crazy stuff. I went to get my phone fixed and upgraded, which turned out to be an upgrade and complete erasure of my contacts. So that meant I had to drive to Marysville to pick up a new monitor to make my computer work. Did that and got back home, to find that I didn't have a power cord for my computer. So I drove to Best Buy to pick that up. Got back home plugged it up, still wouldn't work. Opened it up to check the mother board battery, and it acted like it wanted to come on, but stayed quiet. Checked online for answers on "red light no power" with Google. Said I should replace the battery if it was more than 3 years old. Went to Radio Shack and grabbed a battery. Got back, put the new battery in...still wouldn't work. I prayed to God to help me, because I had no way to get my contact numbers back. The computer needed to work...it had to.

I fiddled around with it for another hour, finally got the power to come on by plugging it in and unplugging it. As I got up to revel in my victory, I stepped on the sharp corner of the computer door and opened a nice hole near my right pinky toe. It bled profusely.

I was tired by then, and I had planned to go work out. But it was nearly nine and I was still bleeding. Dude...

Today wasn't as tough. I am in the theater watching Don't Mess With the Zohan. Scrappy Coco says this...

Therapy, Part Quatro

The greatest thing about today is that there is no fear about anything, anymore. There is no anxiety about the future. There is no questioning the past. There just is...

Everything is everything, and if that is over your head, well, shame on you. I would like to think that as I speak to the doc he has an idea about what he wants to accomplish with my therapy. Just the same, I have an idea about where I want to go with my life. This idea many not always play out as I want, but I try my best to accomplish everything that I can. Today is no different, and tomorrow will be nothing special. I approach them the same: complete and total acquiescence to God's will.

Sometimes you can see the fear coming, but you allow it to wash over you, rushing past like water, flowing by and away. No one has said there won't be fear. To add to that, there is not much we can control in life. Emotions come as they will. Life throws you curve balls that you can't hit. But you can control the way you react to the emotions you have. That is all we can control- everything else belongs to God.

I do regret some things, but I can't change them. So what? I have to live with myself and all that I have done. I am fine with that. My mind remains calm. My thoughts remain on the future and that which I can change. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is just me and my love for God and my family. That's all I need.

Next week is the last session. I think it will be a grand conclusion to an eye opening experience. I am thankful to the Lord for the justice He has given me.

Ministry: the Beginning?

Ultimately the goal should be the betterment of self.

Don't know how many times I've went over this one, but it remains one of my foremost plans of attack. I am starting anew, putting the Lord first because in order to care for a family (when that all comes around) I have to be strong enough to hold everyone else together. I'm glad I got myself right, cause I didn't wanna turn into my uncle...

I am so happy though. I am so hopeful for the future and all the things that will happen. I just decided to start a new blog called "Ministry of Seven", which I will coordinate writing duties with my best friends. The point of this blog will be to create discourse between Christians who are experiencing troubles in their lives that they feel they can't deal with. I know I would have loved some help like this, and I know that my friends and I are very experienced in the hardship department. We all have so much to testify about, that I feel we can give many people so much hope.

I want to try and offer guidance to those that need. This ministry will be comprised of seven individuals that will be the "main" bloggers, but will invite discourse with others. I hope we can get people that will want to be interviewed about their faith and also give testimonials for those people who are not Christians...

I am excited, and I hope this will work out well. It has some potential...great potential.

God bless you all. Thanks for the blessings and support.

Kweli!!!

The concert was on point! Showbox theatre was jumpin', and I was more than pleased with the atmosphere. Reminded me a lot of The Pageant in St. Louis. The stage was not as large, but it was ample room.

The show opened with Grayskul, from Rhymesayers records fam with acts like Atmosphere and Brother Ali. Dope skills.
Then we got hit with Common Market and some chick who could tapdance her ass off! There was another less memorable act, but it was still chilly chill.

Talib came out blazin', and hit us with songs like "Just to Get By" and "Eardrum" from his new album of the same name.

Gene rolled with me, and we had a great time! We gonna try to do it again on the 24th when the Rza is in town! Gonna be live, yo!

New Paths, New Decisions

By following the same beliefs and making the same decisions, one wears Life's path into a circular rut, going nowhere, accomplishing nothing, making no progress. With God's help, though, we can turn a sharp corner in the circle and achieve enlightenment.
-The Cant of the Shariat, Sandworms of Dune

This is what I was worried about in the first place. Even before I got out here, I told myself that I can't repeat the same mistakes, and here I am...

God will make us see the light though. Often we think that God will not be active in our lives, and that he watches us only. Nope. God is living and he ACTS! He will push us towards the right direction, and aid us in making decisions. Although we fancy that we do these things of ourselves, sometimes we are lead towards certain paths...

If you don't believe, think on it a little. You may be surprised what you come up with.
Change your game up, and look for different ways to answer the same questions.

Finishing Touch

Trusting God is a must. Most times we find our trust obstructed by our past or the fear of our future. I know it's possible to be faithful to God and love Him because of who He is, not what He does.

The reason I did what I did was born out of fear. The fear of not being what others expect. The fear of not being able to care for my family the way I need to. That's why I said I wanted to go back to school.

It was the fear of disappointing my family. It was the pain I saw in my mother's eyes before I left home. It is the anguish of knowing I have to travel a road alone, when my people still suffer. And I didn't want her to see me so torn, so beaten, so absolutely at my lowest point that I thought it best that I just left her life forever. Yet, as God has shown, that was not the answer.

My mom told me before I even left for school that she could not afford to send me to college. She said I would have to do it myself. From there I made it a point to not ask her for help. I was on my own.

My mother, God bless, told me that even as she wishes she could give her own mother the world, she knows that she can't. And that's okay, because she does things for her that do her heart fine. My mother told me this, and said she knows I would do what I can for her, but I have to live my life for me, and follow God. It makes me cry to think I was so selfish, but I am not perfect.

I pray for the right decisions, but I still make mistakes. I am human. But this episode will never pass my way again, and I am glad I finally get it. I can't live in a cage of fear hoping to be free. I was free when God came into my life. This has been a hard fought lesson, but I am glad it occurred. I am still hoping for a chance, but I know there is no promise. I am prepared for the worst.

When I look in the mirror, I see a man who, despite the chips being stacked against him, has triumphed over adversity. Through racism, through poverty, I overcame all. Still, I became that fear that I thought I had left behind, and I felt the sting of the stress it brought.

Now, I have to be about my Father's business, and try to remain focused. I can say with absolute truth and honesty, this will be the last and only time I go through this. It is finished. And God saved me from myself, yet again, and I am ecstatic that He remains by my side. He has done amazing things, worked miracles in my life, and I know I will do my best to become the man I know I can be.

Elite Dinner

Seems my new branch made #1 this month, so I found myself back at the awards dinner. Everyone was so cool and just excited for the upcoming months.

I got a chance to speak with Raj Vhan, who is the loss prevention manager for our group. He asked me about East St. Louis and why I left, and I was more than happy to tell him that it is pretty much a place that brings you down, that will destroy your sense of worth. But what got me was his knowledge of what goes on in the minds of folks in the inner city. He knew about Darius Miles, NBA hopeful, who had pretty much screwed his chances because of hanging with his boys and getting into trouble. Darius was known to frequent clubs in E. Saint.

He knew about the racism, the wildly subtle undercurrent and how it cripples your chances of getting ahead. I was so excited that someone actually knew what I had been saying for years. He has validated the same thoughts I have had for years. That was real talk. I want to talk to him about it more...

Uncle Said

Getting so much closer. I believe that my last session put me on solid ground, and I have 2 more left. Even better, my uncle called me today, and made me feel extraordinary.

Uncle Said is a former criminal trying to live a decent life for himself. I admire him still, because out of all my uncles, he has always been closer to my heart and more apt to give advice on life. Not only that, we share the same birthday, him being exactly 14 years older. A lot of times I think he regrets not being able to give me the tutelage I needed growing up in a rough neighborhood. That's not his fault, that responsibility lay with my father. And it's too far gone now to hold any grudges or claim that I didn't get enough of anything. I am who I am now, and in order for me to progress, I must surmount the past that has, up until this point, held me in shackles.

He asked if I was alright, and I told him the truth. "No." I gave him the spiel about the breakup, and he understood. He was more for moving on and just chalking it all up, but he knew that was not in my mind at all. Soon he was sympathetic, and said that he has been in love numerous times, and yet he knew who he was. He knew that beyond any woman he was still quite a catch, still confident that love would find him again.

He was less forgiving about the fact I was in therapy. Sounded crazy to him, I imagine, but we're talking about a man who's been married three times himself. Excuse me if I dismiss his objections about my own solutions to problems. One thing I do agree with him on is the fact that I am, without a doubt, an anomaly. I am a commodity. He said I am poised for nothing but success.

I say this because for one, I am well educated. Secondly, I have no children. I am intelligent and good looking enough to pass for a man that's 6 years younger. Last, but not least, I am a black man with no criminal record. I'm so rare you could auction me off to the highest bidder.

But that's the potential for excellence. In my mind, I am, and will always be, more than the sum of my experiences. There is an account for what's in my heart. I am a good man, a good son, a good brother. I revere God, and I pray for the salvation of others. I have come from the bottom, only to rise to the top. I am proud of that.
As a man, there are only two questions I have to worry about next: Where am I going? Who's coming with me?

We talked some about a new business venture he's come up with. This dude wants me to build him a website for a clothing business he's thought up. That's fine and dandy, but he also gave me a year to think about moving back to Cleveland. Yeah right. I hate Cleveland.

Life goes in circles. You never know who you may see again. And then, there are others you pray to never cross your path again in life or death. Uncle Said knows that I love and respect him, so I will do as he asks, but as for advice on love, I'll skip that one. He really has a lot of experience, but it seems that he continues with the same mistakes. My circle is broken now. I have to move forward knowing I can never make the mistake I made ever again, with whomever I may be with.

God bless, y'all.

Nigger

The word itself originates from the word "negro", which is spanish for "black".

This word finds itself in the forefront of American pop culture, and still carries with it mixed feelings of hatred and injustice. It was a word used by slave masters to demean African peoples, and therefore second hand used by us to communicate who we were. They knew the word, and how it was said made all the difference. It's the tone, I suppose, that put fear in a slave's heart. Nigga..nigger...nigra.

My nigga. Look at that nigga. Stupid nigga.

The word can cause alarm now, or be used as a term of endearment. The puerto rican peoples use the word in that manner. It's just not ok for whites to use it, due to all the years it has carried a negative connotation when they did use it.

The details are complex. But in most cases, it's better left unsaid.

That Anger Will Be Your Undoing...

Exodus 32:12


12 Why should the Egyptians say, 'It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth'? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people.

The Egyptians feared the power of the God of Israel. They told the people of Israel that their God would bring disaster upon them.

Foolishness. Out of their own anger, the Egyptians tried to deprive the Israelites of their God, and their freedom. Truth is that anger will always be a barrier to freedom.
You see, Moses might have been angry at the Egyptians from doing such, but God asked him to turn from that anger, and instead embrace and love the people in order to move them out of their situation.

We all have anger welling up, and it will hide the truth from us. It creates a barrier between us and God. Your unwillingness to forgive will cause you sorrow. Especially if you take communion without forgiveness in your heart, you bring disaster upon yourself. That means you cannot be one with God when you have not forgiven those who have hurt you. Most people don't know that, but it's biblical.

"Take heed to the words that I manifest!" - GangStarr

Power

Right now the power is out, and I see this as a metaphor for my life.

Power comes in many ways; money, influence, fear. These of course are false types of power. That kind of power will always fail, leading to disappointment and pain.

Real power comes in the ability to view a situation objectively, so that victory and failure become imposters: two sides of the same coin. God knows that even in defeat there is victory and vice versa.

Though I stumble, man watch me become greater than ever. I still see with the same eyes, yet my view has changed. Nothing will keep me from my goal.

People don't know the strength I wield. Even I am in awe of it. It comes though. It comes bursting forth like water through a ruptured dam. God be praised.

I am looking forward to church on Sunday. I am going to join and offer my help in any way I can. I have to attend the 5pm service but that's alright. God be praised.

The power is out in my immediate vicinity, but the power within burns bright like a lighthouse beacon. Let the path be made clear to reveal God's steps. Thank you, Lord.

Prayers go out to my family and friends. Thank you as well. You know I suffer out here alone, but you are with me. Thanks for being there when I call.

Psalm 10:1-7

Psalm 10
1 [a]Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.

3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.

4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.

5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.

6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."

7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.

Seems that the wicked feel as if they shouldn't be accountable for their sins. Well, we all know there is a time for that. We will all be held accountable. Many of us wonder why we, the followers of Christ, are made to suffer so while the wicked hold high positions, influencing people in ways that are detrimental to their livelihood.

I know that there is a plan for all. God does not promise us a life without suffering, but He does promise that He will care for us. I know that he cares for me, because I am able to move about this world without worry, having the feeling in my heart that God cares for me. He shows me everyday, through the people I see and talk to, to the job I have, to my parents and my beloved friends.

I don't have it all together. No one does. I will be successful in all I do, and I will triumph when those who left me behind wanted me to fail. I realize I don't have true enemies, but people who are trapped in the darkness just like I was, scared and too obstinate to believe that they could ever be wrong about anything in life.

When reading that last sentence you may thing that I am being a hypocrite, like I believe I am always right. Never, but I do know what is right. We find evil everyday in every crevice, on any street and any room. It's there, and we can't hide from it. But we can dispel the evil inclinations that arrive when are minds are left lying open for the enemy to step in and take over.

Follow the Lord, and speak with Him daily. He will direct your path, and seal the goodness of your ways. He will give you healing, just as He did me. Though I am no saint, I will say that I am purposeful in my intentions to be a good and caring Christian. Although goodness is by no means a thermometer for a better life. God is the gauge. Trust in Him.

And now for something completely different...

Time to move on. It's time to take a perspective of triumph. No can say they have the same struggles, but some should be able to give benefit of the doubt.

I been through too much to walk backwards ever again. Forwards always. Bible study will now follow daily.

I succeeded just by getting up this morning.

Just know there is a deadline.

After that, everything is undone. I walk like a man. May God show us grace and mercy all of our days.

24-Hour Fitness

I went to a 24-Hour Fitness location that wasn't open 24 hours. WTF?

Psalm 40: My Trust in the Lord!!!

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Breaking Down the Wall

I am glad that I have friends. Friends that I know won't desert me when I am down. I called Antione a few days ago and left him a message about my current situation, and he got back to me today. It's interesting that when we come together in conversation we always end up with new perspectives and insight into who God really is.

"God is obligated to help us, because we are his children," Antione said. "He takes care of us just like any other parent." True, though some of us will continually doubt His presence or blame His goodness on chance. This is because there is and always will be evil in this world. Unfortunately, that is how the balance is maintained. Without one, there would be no reason for the other.

Antione spoke to me about the time he had to trust God to move to Maryland. I had not heard him speak on this much before, but it was a marvelous example of who and what God is for us all. He had to go to Philly for an interview, but he had no place to stay, no money for a flight...yet God provided all. People who knew him and the person he was gave him money to go. Our mutual friend Jeri, who was staying in Philly at the time, even lent him her car while he was there. During that time he was also involved in a retail theft charge, and the State of Illinois wanted to keep him from leaving unless he paid his fine for the theft. He didn't have the money, but his friend Adam sent it to him, no questions asked. God provided a way, though he was thwarted at each step.

Trusting what God can do, and what He has for us in the future can be hard. I came out here to the Northwest in order to find a better life for myself. I had no place to stay, limited money and no job. I just came out here believing where I needed to be, and what I wanted out of my life. And God worked a miracle for me. You will read all of these posts and find that something will stir a familiarity in your soul. Somethings will be so similar that you will want to ask me how I overcame it. Yet with God, all things are possible.

Antione has been struggling, just as I have. He has trouble with finances, feeling motivated to study the Word and just issues of inadequacy when it comes to providing for the family he has. I feel for him, and we both know the pain of being alone in our minds, hiding behind pride so that the devil can slip in a take what has been established. We both have mothers with diabetes, which makes us scared and vulnerable when we can't be around. Not to say that everyone has not gone through this, but we all deal differently. I cannot say that something that may seem trivial to me won't be excruciatingly painful for you. We are all different. But it helps when someone can relate to your troubles, and help you along.

Hiding being your pain is always the wrong thing to do. We must go to others to deal with the problems we face. To be a success, we can't give up. We can't call it quits just because the going got tough. I was selfish, yes, but there are lessons that are totally invaluable to be learned here. I find my way, with the Lord by my side, every day.

My friends and I are the "breaks" in our bloodline, as Antione so eloquently puts it. Honestly, we all stand out like like sore thumbs in our families, so unlike everyone that we seem as if we don't belong. Just like Abraham, we were chosen to begin something new, and prosper in new lands.

A Song My Granny Sang...

Baptist Church goes may recall this one. My granny sings this beautifully...

Pass Me Not

1. Pass me not O gentle savior
hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by

Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by

2. Let me at a throne of mercy
find a sweet relief
kneeling there in deep contrition
help my unbelief

Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by

3. Thou the strength of all my comfort
more than life to me
whom have I on earth beside thee
whom in Heaven but thee

Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by

Empowered

To be empowered is to be armed with the potential to be a fully actualized individual capable of being the best one can possibly be. I ain't a hustler. I ain't a vagrant. I am not exactly a scholar. But I am aware of my potential.

A client named Pat told me today that there is no such thing as the "right person" for anyone. There are only people willing to do the work. This is coming from a 60 year old dude who is Christian, with his own past issues with marriage. He and his wife have even been in counseling. He even said he had wanted to give up. He recently was injured at his job, and therefore lost it. He is currently attaining a bachelor's degree.

I am saying life is often jacked up, and we may have to take different routes to arrive at one destination, but we get there eventually. We have been empowered to be great individuals, if we only are bold enough to claim it.

God bless. Fight for what you want. Go to battle for what you believe. Take a stand against evil. Love God above all things.

PEACE.

"Visions" by Stevie Wonder

This song makes me cry at times. It's truly one of my favorites of all time. Listen to it if you get a chance. Download it even.

People hand in hand
Have I lived to see the milk and honey land ?
Where hate's a dream and love forever stands
Or is this a vision in my mind ?

The law was never passed
But somehow all men feel they're truly free at last
Have we really gone this far through space and time
Or is this a vision in my mind ?

I'm not one who makes believe
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around
I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending

But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to find our wings and fly away
To the vision in our mind ?

I'm not one who makes believes
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around

I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending

But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to take our wings and fly away
To the vision in our minds ?

I'm Back

Why do we fall?

So that we may learn to pick ourselves up again. In that learning, applied to whatever circumstances that we may have dealt with, we become greater people. This is in theory, and if you align yourself with God. Some don't understand this concept, because they have given up.

Others, in picking themselves up, will put up a wall to all that lent them hurt. (I am surely guilty) But in the end, forgiveness is key in order to move beyond our hurt. God asks us to forgive, but to also protect our hearts. The context with which we deal with the aforementioned commands is crucial.

I am a forgiving soul. I hold no grudges. Beware of those grudges you hold, and how they could cripple the remainder of your life.

Time is short, and I've returned.

God bless.

Going Downtown

I spent the first part of the day getting my room in order. Too much crap, by God.

I had a scheduled assessment at the gym for 10am. I just made that, but it was worth it. I weighed in at 237, about 8 lbs less than my highest this year. My body fat is at 21%. I need to cut it to between 10 and 12%. He reiterated stuff I already know, like eating brown foods and avoiding the white. (visual clues for simple carbs and complex carbs) The Tosca Reno book was another suggestion, which I recall seeing at Christie's place.

He explained maximizing calorie burn by doing sets in pairs of fours. For example, 2 sets of lifts, an explosive set and a reactive set. The explosive set could be jumping jacks or explosive push ups. The reactive set could be core workouts, like sit ups. Keeps the body guessing. I alternated the 4 sets, doing pairs of one kind then the other. That was a hurter.

So downtown, 24 Hour Fitness. I found out I can drop 30 lbs in about three months. I say 2 or less. We will see.

Now I am watching Indiana Jones 4. I have a seminar to attend at 3:30 about making money in the travel industry in my spare time. Sounds promising, I guess.

God is gracious and merciful always. I thank him for my opportunities and my misgivings. I praise Him through good and bad.

Therapy, Part Duece (I AM A SUCCESS!)

Amazingly, I made it to therapy just about 3 minutes late. Traffic in Seattle was so damn brutal. I was excited to speak to the man again, especially concerning my issues of negativity and why I'm so hard on myself at times.

We spoke on my feelings of inadequacy, and why I would even feel this way. I told him (and I have had some time to think on this) that possibly I was feeling that I couldn't be the person others felt I was, or that I wouldn't be able to provide for my family the life they need. I also mentioned the fact that since my family is poor, maybe I feel as if I should be poor too, or that I don't deserve to make it out. It is a certain feeling of guilt that surrounds this idea, and that is a prison I've built.

He was intrigued by that, as if he'd never heard it before. A prison of the mind? Yeah, even before a friend mentioned this problem to me, I had thought people other than myself were exhibiting the symptoms. Lo and behold, the man righ' chere was suffering the same delusion. I am embarrassed to say it, but it's true.

The feelings of failure...he shrugged that off. He said that I should repeat "I am a success." several times daily in order to put myself in the right mind frame. That was good for me to hear, because once again, this is stuff I already know.

I guess I'm coming to the crossroads soon. The next steps will propel me forward as I have learned from my mistakes. My therapist said that those people who gain wisdom from their follies are able to use their knowledge to better themselves and gain insight for new beginnings.

I know I am a success. I have been a success since I came out of the womb. Just the fact that I'm breathing says I'm a success. I must make that my mantra for the month.

Next step, I'm gearing up to go to church. That excites me too.