Finishing Touch

Trusting God is a must. Most times we find our trust obstructed by our past or the fear of our future. I know it's possible to be faithful to God and love Him because of who He is, not what He does.

The reason I did what I did was born out of fear. The fear of not being what others expect. The fear of not being able to care for my family the way I need to. That's why I said I wanted to go back to school.

It was the fear of disappointing my family. It was the pain I saw in my mother's eyes before I left home. It is the anguish of knowing I have to travel a road alone, when my people still suffer. And I didn't want her to see me so torn, so beaten, so absolutely at my lowest point that I thought it best that I just left her life forever. Yet, as God has shown, that was not the answer.

My mom told me before I even left for school that she could not afford to send me to college. She said I would have to do it myself. From there I made it a point to not ask her for help. I was on my own.

My mother, God bless, told me that even as she wishes she could give her own mother the world, she knows that she can't. And that's okay, because she does things for her that do her heart fine. My mother told me this, and said she knows I would do what I can for her, but I have to live my life for me, and follow God. It makes me cry to think I was so selfish, but I am not perfect.

I pray for the right decisions, but I still make mistakes. I am human. But this episode will never pass my way again, and I am glad I finally get it. I can't live in a cage of fear hoping to be free. I was free when God came into my life. This has been a hard fought lesson, but I am glad it occurred. I am still hoping for a chance, but I know there is no promise. I am prepared for the worst.

When I look in the mirror, I see a man who, despite the chips being stacked against him, has triumphed over adversity. Through racism, through poverty, I overcame all. Still, I became that fear that I thought I had left behind, and I felt the sting of the stress it brought.

Now, I have to be about my Father's business, and try to remain focused. I can say with absolute truth and honesty, this will be the last and only time I go through this. It is finished. And God saved me from myself, yet again, and I am ecstatic that He remains by my side. He has done amazing things, worked miracles in my life, and I know I will do my best to become the man I know I can be.