I gave myself over to meditation today, just to take the edge off of a seemingly endless barrage of work over the past few days. Tired and hot and sweaty...but I shouldn't complain, cuz it was 50 degrees outside just 3 weeks ago.
When meditating today I focused on my inner image and what I would like to become when the process is complete. I have to reconnect and focus all my energy so that I can rearrange the physical and align it with my mental...again.
This has been done before, but I don't think that I had the same wisdom I do now...well, of course I didn't.
In thinking on how I should be eating, how much, what, as well as when, I have come to a solution. I will, at all costs, get back down to my ideal weight of 205. It's gonna take some time, but it will be done. I have already seen it...and I believe it. Victory is all in the mind. And the mind is the sword, my friends.
Get a chance, take a look at my new blog I am working on with my friends, called "Ministry of Seven: Elements of God". Just a collaboration I feel is long overdue. A meeting of the minds.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Wanted
I watched the movie "Wanted" last night and it left me in sort of a daze. It was an interesting movie cause it really made you think about how you really live life: as a sheep, doing things as you are told, just to get by or as a wolf, taking control of your own destiny.
The antagonist was asked repeatedly "Why are you here?", and uncertain answers got a well placed ass kicking. He finally answered, "Because I don't know who I am." interestingly enough, there are not enough of us who question who we really are.
Are we all making the best of what we have, are do we blow it all on mediocrity? I believe that the world is a lot more exclusive than otherwise assumed, because so few reach their full potential. I refuse, though. I refuse to be anything less than the greatest of men, the best of all I muster. I will not cower, and I will not tarry.
We all find the path, but who will follow it to its end?
God be praised.
Marcelle Ward
The antagonist was asked repeatedly "Why are you here?", and uncertain answers got a well placed ass kicking. He finally answered, "Because I don't know who I am." interestingly enough, there are not enough of us who question who we really are.
Are we all making the best of what we have, are do we blow it all on mediocrity? I believe that the world is a lot more exclusive than otherwise assumed, because so few reach their full potential. I refuse, though. I refuse to be anything less than the greatest of men, the best of all I muster. I will not cower, and I will not tarry.
We all find the path, but who will follow it to its end?
God be praised.
Marcelle Ward
Saturday, June 28, 2008
A Wonderful War
One would think it could be the change that makes a difference, but changes don't discern the connection with the Almighty. Peep game...
I walked roads long, dirt and dust catching in the fibers of my shoestrings, meaning to find a piece of me that had never been lost.
I changed how I began, thought about the end, doubled back on my tracks and turned around again.
I woke my spirit and questioned His Name, I fought a war within without knowing the feeling of shame.
I am the loss, I am the gain, I am the sun, I am the rain.
I walked before I became, behind the age of my mind I found the past and present the same, two sides, two planes, one goal, one game.
I am a stranger that could not recall his name, asking other men what he should already know. The blind warrior wandering. A fine man wondering. A design for a wonderful war in man.
I walked roads long, dirt and dust catching in the fibers of my shoestrings, meaning to find a piece of me that had never been lost.
I changed how I began, thought about the end, doubled back on my tracks and turned around again.
I woke my spirit and questioned His Name, I fought a war within without knowing the feeling of shame.
I am the loss, I am the gain, I am the sun, I am the rain.
I walked before I became, behind the age of my mind I found the past and present the same, two sides, two planes, one goal, one game.
I am a stranger that could not recall his name, asking other men what he should already know. The blind warrior wandering. A fine man wondering. A design for a wonderful war in man.
Friday, June 27, 2008
I Never Win Anything, but...
Man. What an interestingly beautiful day. Wish I had taken some pictures! I went to this awesome restaurant called Ray's Boat House right on the waterfront in Ballard. Spectacular view! Everyone must go at least once if you live out here. Especially in the summer. Gorgeous.
I got a call from a girl named Amber from the Last Supper Club. Seems that she wanted to let me know that I had won a free cocktail party! What's even more awesome is she let me select the date I wanted to have it, and I chose next Friday, the day before my 31st birthday. I'm gonna try and invite as many folks as possible. Got some VIP going on, unlimited guests, no cover, special request songs...man, it's gonna be cool. First time ever having a party at a venue or club or anything similar.
Can't wait. I sent out a list to folks so they can come hang out. Should be a smashing good time.
The Last Supper Club
July 4th, 8:30pm, start. Gotta get there before 8:30pm to get in free, chumps!
It's in Pioneer Square, Seattle.
I got a call from a girl named Amber from the Last Supper Club. Seems that she wanted to let me know that I had won a free cocktail party! What's even more awesome is she let me select the date I wanted to have it, and I chose next Friday, the day before my 31st birthday. I'm gonna try and invite as many folks as possible. Got some VIP going on, unlimited guests, no cover, special request songs...man, it's gonna be cool. First time ever having a party at a venue or club or anything similar.
Can't wait. I sent out a list to folks so they can come hang out. Should be a smashing good time.
The Last Supper Club
July 4th, 8:30pm, start. Gotta get there before 8:30pm to get in free, chumps!
It's in Pioneer Square, Seattle.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Bright Things
"And that was how Kazamatsuri went out of my life. No trace of anger, no resentment, did he let show on his face. As I prayed for him, I felt something greater watching over me from above. When a man abandons ego and obstinacy, he can accept the gods and learn how to truly love. It took me a long time to learn that essential truth. The most important thing is to give your all until the very last."
- Samurai Fiction
You can replace "gods" with "God". I just wanted to place the direct quote there. The meaning is there, and that really is what is most important. Time and time again I catch these phrases from different sources and they lend a little wisdom in times of great need. I am glad I pay attention, because I would be much worse off.
I am positive and grateful for the wondrous many things that the Lord exposes me too. Knowing that the human spirit is both evil and good, we must put ourselves in the way of the positive and bright things within our lives, so that we may not succumb to the devil's trap.
I wish you all well. God be thanked!
- Samurai Fiction
You can replace "gods" with "God". I just wanted to place the direct quote there. The meaning is there, and that really is what is most important. Time and time again I catch these phrases from different sources and they lend a little wisdom in times of great need. I am glad I pay attention, because I would be much worse off.
I am positive and grateful for the wondrous many things that the Lord exposes me too. Knowing that the human spirit is both evil and good, we must put ourselves in the way of the positive and bright things within our lives, so that we may not succumb to the devil's trap.
I wish you all well. God be thanked!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Therapy, Part...Fin?
Half-way through the year, the Cancer entry for Free-Will Astrology in the week of June 19th, reads: “…I’m hoping you’ll look back six months from now and make the following declaration: This year I discovered everything that’s important to know about what I don’t need and who I don’t want to be. That’s one of the important reasons why (hallelujah!) I’ve learned to avoid the suffering that comes from wishing my life were different from how it actually is. I’m more at peace with my soul’s idiosyncratic destiny than I’ve ever been.” This sums up the lessons I have received succinctly. I could not have said it better.
I have had five therapy sessions, and really, I felt I was done when I finished my third. I have come to understand things now in a way that I cannot say I would have if all this had not occurred. I am fortunate now to know that I cannot change anything about anyone and I will fail at feeling sorry for myself when my life has not taken on the appearance of those whom I admire. So what. My destiny is with God and only He knows what tomorrow holds. All I can do is embrace the fear that comes when uncertainty rears, and react accordingly.
It is fair to say that I am doing exceptionally well, so much in fact that I haven’t felt this much peace is months. The doc says that we can cut back on the sessions, but I may discontinue them altogether. God has been with me all this time, and I have learned to rely on Him for guidance. I have sought patience, and He gives me plenty opportunity to exercise patience in my life. With customers, acquaintances, family members and others. I am glad that my life is all that it is, and I will not question God’s design. He has deemed me fit to be the Captain of my soul, and I accept the title with honor and dignity.
In the next six months I will continue to catalog my experiences and follow along with my life in a manner congruent with God’s own plan. I will trust Him and have patience. I will honor myself and others as well. I will grow within the Body of Christ and continue towards an admirable goal. I will become the man I need to be. Thank God for that.
I have had five therapy sessions, and really, I felt I was done when I finished my third. I have come to understand things now in a way that I cannot say I would have if all this had not occurred. I am fortunate now to know that I cannot change anything about anyone and I will fail at feeling sorry for myself when my life has not taken on the appearance of those whom I admire. So what. My destiny is with God and only He knows what tomorrow holds. All I can do is embrace the fear that comes when uncertainty rears, and react accordingly.
It is fair to say that I am doing exceptionally well, so much in fact that I haven’t felt this much peace is months. The doc says that we can cut back on the sessions, but I may discontinue them altogether. God has been with me all this time, and I have learned to rely on Him for guidance. I have sought patience, and He gives me plenty opportunity to exercise patience in my life. With customers, acquaintances, family members and others. I am glad that my life is all that it is, and I will not question God’s design. He has deemed me fit to be the Captain of my soul, and I accept the title with honor and dignity.
In the next six months I will continue to catalog my experiences and follow along with my life in a manner congruent with God’s own plan. I will trust Him and have patience. I will honor myself and others as well. I will grow within the Body of Christ and continue towards an admirable goal. I will become the man I need to be. Thank God for that.
Digi Snacks
My ears are still ringing! The show began with some very wack presentation from a group called The Saturday Knights. Solomon Childs came next, blazing with a few solo joints. He was soon followed by a new Wu affiliate group called Stone Mecca. They were amazing to say the least, reminding me of neo soul group The Brand New Heavies. Later, they backed up RZA instrumentally and with background vocals.
RZA sounded like he just jumped out of the CD and onto the stage. He did an assortment of songs from his new album as well as familiar verses from other collaborations like Gravediggaz.
Check out the pics. I was right up next to the stage!
Monday, June 23, 2008
The Sword
I yearn for honor and for discipline, and I suppose I am not as successful as I would like to be at either one. Yet, I strive. A few days ago I purchased an authentic samurai sword. The reason being that I wanted to have something that felt sacred to me, so that I can show the Lord my faith. It is but a symbol; an extension of the same sword I hold in my mind...sort of the physical representation.
The mind is the sword. I believe this means that the mind is the most potent of weapons, and must be sharpened in the conflicts of life. Visualize the sword in your own mind, and be filled with strength and determination!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
My Shoes/Your Shoes
I believe in newness and the future. I believe in redemption. I believe in the power of the human spirit. I believe in love...and within God, we find the most love of all.
Today I am pensive, reflecting on things that I cannot change, nor want to. I believe it is good to do this ever so often, that we can truly say to ourselves that we are better for the choices we have made...as long as God is at the forefront.
Sometimes I believe that my fear ruled many of my decisions. Other times, it has been the wisdom of my years that lent me understanding and foresight. But even more often, God has stepped in and granted me a reprieve in order that I learn a valuable lesson.
Someone asked me a while ago if I ever regretted anything in my life. I said no, yet that was not entirely true. I do regret some things, yet I was fortunate that in those situations, I became a better person. The person I am today. And I love myself still, despite all that I have done. I cannot say that I can regret a thing that has given me valuable tools to use in my life and to pass on to those in my bloodline. Rather written or oral, this lessons are indeed purposeful and can serve to make others better. I know I am better for it.
It is also key that people make their own mistakes. I have made quite a few, and I am not angry about it at all. I realize in my most recent dilemma, I had reached a point where I felt completely hopeless. I can't hope to convey to anyone the dismay I felt, but I am thankful that I was able to go beyond it and find my way to God again. We all play the clown now and again...it was just that my turn had come.
No one can tell me that I am a bad person. I will not allow anyone to look at me cross, thinking that I have done such irreparable damage that I should be ashamed. No one is aware of the pain I have felt, nor could I tell anyone exactly how it held me prisoner for so long. But now that I am free, I want all to know that I am fine and my mind is with God. I will still stumble along the way, but the foundation is set. I am ready to move towards my goals. All of them.
It does not matter what anyone else thinks. God is my only judge. I will walk squarely away from anyone that assumes they know my plight. NO one knows. But if you would like to walk through the darkness with me, I will hold your hand, so you would know of my misery. You may be surprised to learn that I am no different than yourself.
God be with you all. My love extends to each and every person of God. I am but a man, think of me as such, and remember the shoes we wear differ.
Today I am pensive, reflecting on things that I cannot change, nor want to. I believe it is good to do this ever so often, that we can truly say to ourselves that we are better for the choices we have made...as long as God is at the forefront.
Sometimes I believe that my fear ruled many of my decisions. Other times, it has been the wisdom of my years that lent me understanding and foresight. But even more often, God has stepped in and granted me a reprieve in order that I learn a valuable lesson.
Someone asked me a while ago if I ever regretted anything in my life. I said no, yet that was not entirely true. I do regret some things, yet I was fortunate that in those situations, I became a better person. The person I am today. And I love myself still, despite all that I have done. I cannot say that I can regret a thing that has given me valuable tools to use in my life and to pass on to those in my bloodline. Rather written or oral, this lessons are indeed purposeful and can serve to make others better. I know I am better for it.
It is also key that people make their own mistakes. I have made quite a few, and I am not angry about it at all. I realize in my most recent dilemma, I had reached a point where I felt completely hopeless. I can't hope to convey to anyone the dismay I felt, but I am thankful that I was able to go beyond it and find my way to God again. We all play the clown now and again...it was just that my turn had come.
No one can tell me that I am a bad person. I will not allow anyone to look at me cross, thinking that I have done such irreparable damage that I should be ashamed. No one is aware of the pain I have felt, nor could I tell anyone exactly how it held me prisoner for so long. But now that I am free, I want all to know that I am fine and my mind is with God. I will still stumble along the way, but the foundation is set. I am ready to move towards my goals. All of them.
It does not matter what anyone else thinks. God is my only judge. I will walk squarely away from anyone that assumes they know my plight. NO one knows. But if you would like to walk through the darkness with me, I will hold your hand, so you would know of my misery. You may be surprised to learn that I am no different than yourself.
God be with you all. My love extends to each and every person of God. I am but a man, think of me as such, and remember the shoes we wear differ.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
The Last Supper Club
The joint was pretty packed and we were able to get in for free...seems that Gene always knows somebody in these places, and it turns out damn cool to grab a couple drinks and not be totally wasted trying to go home. I don't drink much at all.
The Last Supper is a split level club with bars on each floor, and 2 VIP lounges. We aren't exactly VIP, but we never pay either. There is techno/house mix up top and hip-hop below. It's cool to watch folks wild out and have fun. Last night this girl Gene knew just passed out in the street. Needless to say she was lit up like a Christmas tree. The girl was gone, and I said, "Dude, ya girl just passed out in the street!", to which Gene replied, "She's just like that. She does it all time." made me laugh when he told me he had take her to the hospital before. Brutality.
We don't get rowdy. We are some tax paying citizens having fun in the community.
EPMD (Eugene Pieterson, Marcelle Dionne)...We are about customer service, whenever, wherever.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Therefore...
I have been doing well and I can't complain. Keeping myself healthy has been a challenge since I moved into the new place. Hell, seems like I keep getting a cold and my allergies are popping off like the 4th of July. Yet I am alive and God gets the glory.
Yesterday was some crazy stuff. I went to get my phone fixed and upgraded, which turned out to be an upgrade and complete erasure of my contacts. So that meant I had to drive to Marysville to pick up a new monitor to make my computer work. Did that and got back home, to find that I didn't have a power cord for my computer. So I drove to Best Buy to pick that up. Got back home plugged it up, still wouldn't work. Opened it up to check the mother board battery, and it acted like it wanted to come on, but stayed quiet. Checked online for answers on "red light no power" with Google. Said I should replace the battery if it was more than 3 years old. Went to Radio Shack and grabbed a battery. Got back, put the new battery in...still wouldn't work. I prayed to God to help me, because I had no way to get my contact numbers back. The computer needed to work...it had to.
I fiddled around with it for another hour, finally got the power to come on by plugging it in and unplugging it. As I got up to revel in my victory, I stepped on the sharp corner of the computer door and opened a nice hole near my right pinky toe. It bled profusely.
I was tired by then, and I had planned to go work out. But it was nearly nine and I was still bleeding. Dude...
Today wasn't as tough. I am in the theater watching Don't Mess With the Zohan. Scrappy Coco says this...
Yesterday was some crazy stuff. I went to get my phone fixed and upgraded, which turned out to be an upgrade and complete erasure of my contacts. So that meant I had to drive to Marysville to pick up a new monitor to make my computer work. Did that and got back home, to find that I didn't have a power cord for my computer. So I drove to Best Buy to pick that up. Got back home plugged it up, still wouldn't work. Opened it up to check the mother board battery, and it acted like it wanted to come on, but stayed quiet. Checked online for answers on "red light no power" with Google. Said I should replace the battery if it was more than 3 years old. Went to Radio Shack and grabbed a battery. Got back, put the new battery in...still wouldn't work. I prayed to God to help me, because I had no way to get my contact numbers back. The computer needed to work...it had to.
I fiddled around with it for another hour, finally got the power to come on by plugging it in and unplugging it. As I got up to revel in my victory, I stepped on the sharp corner of the computer door and opened a nice hole near my right pinky toe. It bled profusely.
I was tired by then, and I had planned to go work out. But it was nearly nine and I was still bleeding. Dude...
Today wasn't as tough. I am in the theater watching Don't Mess With the Zohan. Scrappy Coco says this...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Therapy, Part Quatro
The greatest thing about today is that there is no fear about anything, anymore. There is no anxiety about the future. There is no questioning the past. There just is...
Everything is everything, and if that is over your head, well, shame on you. I would like to think that as I speak to the doc he has an idea about what he wants to accomplish with my therapy. Just the same, I have an idea about where I want to go with my life. This idea many not always play out as I want, but I try my best to accomplish everything that I can. Today is no different, and tomorrow will be nothing special. I approach them the same: complete and total acquiescence to God's will.
Sometimes you can see the fear coming, but you allow it to wash over you, rushing past like water, flowing by and away. No one has said there won't be fear. To add to that, there is not much we can control in life. Emotions come as they will. Life throws you curve balls that you can't hit. But you can control the way you react to the emotions you have. That is all we can control- everything else belongs to God.
I do regret some things, but I can't change them. So what? I have to live with myself and all that I have done. I am fine with that. My mind remains calm. My thoughts remain on the future and that which I can change. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is just me and my love for God and my family. That's all I need.
Next week is the last session. I think it will be a grand conclusion to an eye opening experience. I am thankful to the Lord for the justice He has given me.
Everything is everything, and if that is over your head, well, shame on you. I would like to think that as I speak to the doc he has an idea about what he wants to accomplish with my therapy. Just the same, I have an idea about where I want to go with my life. This idea many not always play out as I want, but I try my best to accomplish everything that I can. Today is no different, and tomorrow will be nothing special. I approach them the same: complete and total acquiescence to God's will.
Sometimes you can see the fear coming, but you allow it to wash over you, rushing past like water, flowing by and away. No one has said there won't be fear. To add to that, there is not much we can control in life. Emotions come as they will. Life throws you curve balls that you can't hit. But you can control the way you react to the emotions you have. That is all we can control- everything else belongs to God.
I do regret some things, but I can't change them. So what? I have to live with myself and all that I have done. I am fine with that. My mind remains calm. My thoughts remain on the future and that which I can change. There is no anger. There is no fear. There is just me and my love for God and my family. That's all I need.
Next week is the last session. I think it will be a grand conclusion to an eye opening experience. I am thankful to the Lord for the justice He has given me.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Ministry: the Beginning?
Ultimately the goal should be the betterment of self.
Don't know how many times I've went over this one, but it remains one of my foremost plans of attack. I am starting anew, putting the Lord first because in order to care for a family (when that all comes around) I have to be strong enough to hold everyone else together. I'm glad I got myself right, cause I didn't wanna turn into my uncle...
I am so happy though. I am so hopeful for the future and all the things that will happen. I just decided to start a new blog called "Ministry of Seven", which I will coordinate writing duties with my best friends. The point of this blog will be to create discourse between Christians who are experiencing troubles in their lives that they feel they can't deal with. I know I would have loved some help like this, and I know that my friends and I are very experienced in the hardship department. We all have so much to testify about, that I feel we can give many people so much hope.
I want to try and offer guidance to those that need. This ministry will be comprised of seven individuals that will be the "main" bloggers, but will invite discourse with others. I hope we can get people that will want to be interviewed about their faith and also give testimonials for those people who are not Christians...
I am excited, and I hope this will work out well. It has some potential...great potential.
God bless you all. Thanks for the blessings and support.
Don't know how many times I've went over this one, but it remains one of my foremost plans of attack. I am starting anew, putting the Lord first because in order to care for a family (when that all comes around) I have to be strong enough to hold everyone else together. I'm glad I got myself right, cause I didn't wanna turn into my uncle...
I am so happy though. I am so hopeful for the future and all the things that will happen. I just decided to start a new blog called "Ministry of Seven", which I will coordinate writing duties with my best friends. The point of this blog will be to create discourse between Christians who are experiencing troubles in their lives that they feel they can't deal with. I know I would have loved some help like this, and I know that my friends and I are very experienced in the hardship department. We all have so much to testify about, that I feel we can give many people so much hope.
I want to try and offer guidance to those that need. This ministry will be comprised of seven individuals that will be the "main" bloggers, but will invite discourse with others. I hope we can get people that will want to be interviewed about their faith and also give testimonials for those people who are not Christians...
I am excited, and I hope this will work out well. It has some potential...great potential.
God bless you all. Thanks for the blessings and support.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Kweli!!!
The show opened with Grayskul, from Rhymesayers records fam with acts like Atmosphere and Brother Ali. Dope skills.
Then we got hit with Common Market and some chick who could tapdance her ass off! There was another less memorable act, but it was still chilly chill.
Talib came out blazin', and hit us with songs like "Just to Get By" and "Eardrum" from his new album of the same name.
Gene rolled with me, and we had a great time! We gonna try to do it again on the 24th when the Rza is in town! Gonna be live, yo!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
New Paths, New Decisions
By following the same beliefs and making the same decisions, one wears Life's path into a circular rut, going nowhere, accomplishing nothing, making no progress. With God's help, though, we can turn a sharp corner in the circle and achieve enlightenment.
-The Cant of the Shariat, Sandworms of Dune
This is what I was worried about in the first place. Even before I got out here, I told myself that I can't repeat the same mistakes, and here I am...
God will make us see the light though. Often we think that God will not be active in our lives, and that he watches us only. Nope. God is living and he ACTS! He will push us towards the right direction, and aid us in making decisions. Although we fancy that we do these things of ourselves, sometimes we are lead towards certain paths...
If you don't believe, think on it a little. You may be surprised what you come up with.
Change your game up, and look for different ways to answer the same questions.
-The Cant of the Shariat, Sandworms of Dune
This is what I was worried about in the first place. Even before I got out here, I told myself that I can't repeat the same mistakes, and here I am...
God will make us see the light though. Often we think that God will not be active in our lives, and that he watches us only. Nope. God is living and he ACTS! He will push us towards the right direction, and aid us in making decisions. Although we fancy that we do these things of ourselves, sometimes we are lead towards certain paths...
If you don't believe, think on it a little. You may be surprised what you come up with.
Change your game up, and look for different ways to answer the same questions.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Finishing Touch
The reason I did what I did was born out of fear. The fear of not being what others expect. The fear of not being able to care for my family the way I need to. That's why I said I wanted to go back to school.
It was the fear of disappointing my family. It was the pain I saw in my mother's eyes before I left home. It is the anguish of knowing I have to travel a road alone, when my people still suffer. And I didn't want her to see me so torn, so beaten, so absolutely at my lowest point that I thought it best that I just left her life forever. Yet, as God has shown, that was not the answer.
My mom told me before I even left for school that she could not afford to send me to college. She said I would have to do it myself. From there I made it a point to not ask her for help. I was on my own.
My mother, God bless, told me that even as she wishes she could give her own mother the world, she knows that she can't. And that's okay, because she does things for her that do her heart fine. My mother told me this, and said she knows I would do what I can for her, but I have to live my life for me, and follow God. It makes me cry to think I was so selfish, but I am not perfect.
I pray for the right decisions, but I still make mistakes. I am human. But this episode will never pass my way again, and I am glad I finally get it. I can't live in a cage of fear hoping to be free. I was free when God came into my life. This has been a hard fought lesson, but I am glad it occurred. I am still hoping for a chance, but I know there is no promise. I am prepared for the worst.
When I look in the mirror, I see a man who, despite the chips being stacked against him, has triumphed over adversity. Through racism, through poverty, I overcame all. Still, I became that fear that I thought I had left behind, and I felt the sting of the stress it brought.
Now, I have to be about my Father's business, and try to remain focused. I can say with absolute truth and honesty, this will be the last and only time I go through this. It is finished. And God saved me from myself, yet again, and I am ecstatic that He remains by my side. He has done amazing things, worked miracles in my life, and I know I will do my best to become the man I know I can be.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Elite Dinner
I got a chance to speak with Raj Vhan, who is the loss prevention manager for our group. He asked me about East St. Louis and why I left, and I was more than happy to tell him that it is pretty much a place that brings you down, that will destroy your sense of worth. But what got me was his knowledge of what goes on in the minds of folks in the inner city. He knew about Darius Miles, NBA hopeful, who had pretty much screwed his chances because of hanging with his boys and getting into trouble. Darius was known to frequent clubs in E. Saint.
He knew about the racism, the wildly subtle undercurrent and how it cripples your chances of getting ahead. I was so excited that someone actually knew what I had been saying for years. He has validated the same thoughts I have had for years. That was real talk. I want to talk to him about it more...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Uncle Said
Getting so much closer. I believe that my last session put me on solid ground, and I have 2 more left. Even better, my uncle called me today, and made me feel extraordinary.
Uncle Said is a former criminal trying to live a decent life for himself. I admire him still, because out of all my uncles, he has always been closer to my heart and more apt to give advice on life. Not only that, we share the same birthday, him being exactly 14 years older. A lot of times I think he regrets not being able to give me the tutelage I needed growing up in a rough neighborhood. That's not his fault, that responsibility lay with my father. And it's too far gone now to hold any grudges or claim that I didn't get enough of anything. I am who I am now, and in order for me to progress, I must surmount the past that has, up until this point, held me in shackles.
He asked if I was alright, and I told him the truth. "No." I gave him the spiel about the breakup, and he understood. He was more for moving on and just chalking it all up, but he knew that was not in my mind at all. Soon he was sympathetic, and said that he has been in love numerous times, and yet he knew who he was. He knew that beyond any woman he was still quite a catch, still confident that love would find him again.
He was less forgiving about the fact I was in therapy. Sounded crazy to him, I imagine, but we're talking about a man who's been married three times himself. Excuse me if I dismiss his objections about my own solutions to problems. One thing I do agree with him on is the fact that I am, without a doubt, an anomaly. I am a commodity. He said I am poised for nothing but success.
I say this because for one, I am well educated. Secondly, I have no children. I am intelligent and good looking enough to pass for a man that's 6 years younger. Last, but not least, I am a black man with no criminal record. I'm so rare you could auction me off to the highest bidder.
But that's the potential for excellence. In my mind, I am, and will always be, more than the sum of my experiences. There is an account for what's in my heart. I am a good man, a good son, a good brother. I revere God, and I pray for the salvation of others. I have come from the bottom, only to rise to the top. I am proud of that.
As a man, there are only two questions I have to worry about next: Where am I going? Who's coming with me?
We talked some about a new business venture he's come up with. This dude wants me to build him a website for a clothing business he's thought up. That's fine and dandy, but he also gave me a year to think about moving back to Cleveland. Yeah right. I hate Cleveland.
Life goes in circles. You never know who you may see again. And then, there are others you pray to never cross your path again in life or death. Uncle Said knows that I love and respect him, so I will do as he asks, but as for advice on love, I'll skip that one. He really has a lot of experience, but it seems that he continues with the same mistakes. My circle is broken now. I have to move forward knowing I can never make the mistake I made ever again, with whomever I may be with.
God bless, y'all.
Uncle Said is a former criminal trying to live a decent life for himself. I admire him still, because out of all my uncles, he has always been closer to my heart and more apt to give advice on life. Not only that, we share the same birthday, him being exactly 14 years older. A lot of times I think he regrets not being able to give me the tutelage I needed growing up in a rough neighborhood. That's not his fault, that responsibility lay with my father. And it's too far gone now to hold any grudges or claim that I didn't get enough of anything. I am who I am now, and in order for me to progress, I must surmount the past that has, up until this point, held me in shackles.
He asked if I was alright, and I told him the truth. "No." I gave him the spiel about the breakup, and he understood. He was more for moving on and just chalking it all up, but he knew that was not in my mind at all. Soon he was sympathetic, and said that he has been in love numerous times, and yet he knew who he was. He knew that beyond any woman he was still quite a catch, still confident that love would find him again.
He was less forgiving about the fact I was in therapy. Sounded crazy to him, I imagine, but we're talking about a man who's been married three times himself. Excuse me if I dismiss his objections about my own solutions to problems. One thing I do agree with him on is the fact that I am, without a doubt, an anomaly. I am a commodity. He said I am poised for nothing but success.
I say this because for one, I am well educated. Secondly, I have no children. I am intelligent and good looking enough to pass for a man that's 6 years younger. Last, but not least, I am a black man with no criminal record. I'm so rare you could auction me off to the highest bidder.
But that's the potential for excellence. In my mind, I am, and will always be, more than the sum of my experiences. There is an account for what's in my heart. I am a good man, a good son, a good brother. I revere God, and I pray for the salvation of others. I have come from the bottom, only to rise to the top. I am proud of that.
As a man, there are only two questions I have to worry about next: Where am I going? Who's coming with me?
We talked some about a new business venture he's come up with. This dude wants me to build him a website for a clothing business he's thought up. That's fine and dandy, but he also gave me a year to think about moving back to Cleveland. Yeah right. I hate Cleveland.
Life goes in circles. You never know who you may see again. And then, there are others you pray to never cross your path again in life or death. Uncle Said knows that I love and respect him, so I will do as he asks, but as for advice on love, I'll skip that one. He really has a lot of experience, but it seems that he continues with the same mistakes. My circle is broken now. I have to move forward knowing I can never make the mistake I made ever again, with whomever I may be with.
God bless, y'all.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Nigger
This word finds itself in the forefront of American pop culture, and still carries with it mixed feelings of hatred and injustice. It was a word used by slave masters to demean African peoples, and therefore second hand used by us to communicate who we were. They knew the word, and how it was said made all the difference. It's the tone, I suppose, that put fear in a slave's heart. Nigga..nigger...nigra.
My nigga. Look at that nigga. Stupid nigga.
The word can cause alarm now, or be used as a term of endearment. The puerto rican peoples use the word in that manner. It's just not ok for whites to use it, due to all the years it has carried a negative connotation when they did use it.
The details are complex. But in most cases, it's better left unsaid.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
That Anger Will Be Your Undoing...
Exodus 32:12
12 Why should the Egyptians say, 'It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth'? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people.
The Egyptians feared the power of the God of Israel. They told the people of Israel that their God would bring disaster upon them.
Foolishness. Out of their own anger, the Egyptians tried to deprive the Israelites of their God, and their freedom. Truth is that anger will always be a barrier to freedom.
You see, Moses might have been angry at the Egyptians from doing such, but God asked him to turn from that anger, and instead embrace and love the people in order to move them out of their situation.
We all have anger welling up, and it will hide the truth from us. It creates a barrier between us and God. Your unwillingness to forgive will cause you sorrow. Especially if you take communion without forgiveness in your heart, you bring disaster upon yourself. That means you cannot be one with God when you have not forgiven those who have hurt you. Most people don't know that, but it's biblical.
"Take heed to the words that I manifest!" - GangStarr
12 Why should the Egyptians say, 'It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth'? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people.
The Egyptians feared the power of the God of Israel. They told the people of Israel that their God would bring disaster upon them.
Foolishness. Out of their own anger, the Egyptians tried to deprive the Israelites of their God, and their freedom. Truth is that anger will always be a barrier to freedom.
You see, Moses might have been angry at the Egyptians from doing such, but God asked him to turn from that anger, and instead embrace and love the people in order to move them out of their situation.
We all have anger welling up, and it will hide the truth from us. It creates a barrier between us and God. Your unwillingness to forgive will cause you sorrow. Especially if you take communion without forgiveness in your heart, you bring disaster upon yourself. That means you cannot be one with God when you have not forgiven those who have hurt you. Most people don't know that, but it's biblical.
"Take heed to the words that I manifest!" - GangStarr
Monday, June 9, 2008
Power
Right now the power is out, and I see this as a metaphor for my life.
Power comes in many ways; money, influence, fear. These of course are false types of power. That kind of power will always fail, leading to disappointment and pain.
Real power comes in the ability to view a situation objectively, so that victory and failure become imposters: two sides of the same coin. God knows that even in defeat there is victory and vice versa.
Though I stumble, man watch me become greater than ever. I still see with the same eyes, yet my view has changed. Nothing will keep me from my goal.
People don't know the strength I wield. Even I am in awe of it. It comes though. It comes bursting forth like water through a ruptured dam. God be praised.
I am looking forward to church on Sunday. I am going to join and offer my help in any way I can. I have to attend the 5pm service but that's alright. God be praised.
The power is out in my immediate vicinity, but the power within burns bright like a lighthouse beacon. Let the path be made clear to reveal God's steps. Thank you, Lord.
Prayers go out to my family and friends. Thank you as well. You know I suffer out here alone, but you are with me. Thanks for being there when I call.
Power comes in many ways; money, influence, fear. These of course are false types of power. That kind of power will always fail, leading to disappointment and pain.
Real power comes in the ability to view a situation objectively, so that victory and failure become imposters: two sides of the same coin. God knows that even in defeat there is victory and vice versa.
Though I stumble, man watch me become greater than ever. I still see with the same eyes, yet my view has changed. Nothing will keep me from my goal.
People don't know the strength I wield. Even I am in awe of it. It comes though. It comes bursting forth like water through a ruptured dam. God be praised.
I am looking forward to church on Sunday. I am going to join and offer my help in any way I can. I have to attend the 5pm service but that's alright. God be praised.
The power is out in my immediate vicinity, but the power within burns bright like a lighthouse beacon. Let the path be made clear to reveal God's steps. Thank you, Lord.
Prayers go out to my family and friends. Thank you as well. You know I suffer out here alone, but you are with me. Thanks for being there when I call.
Psalm 10:1-7
Psalm 10
1 [a]Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
Seems that the wicked feel as if they shouldn't be accountable for their sins. Well, we all know there is a time for that. We will all be held accountable. Many of us wonder why we, the followers of Christ, are made to suffer so while the wicked hold high positions, influencing people in ways that are detrimental to their livelihood.
I know that there is a plan for all. God does not promise us a life without suffering, but He does promise that He will care for us. I know that he cares for me, because I am able to move about this world without worry, having the feeling in my heart that God cares for me. He shows me everyday, through the people I see and talk to, to the job I have, to my parents and my beloved friends.
I don't have it all together. No one does. I will be successful in all I do, and I will triumph when those who left me behind wanted me to fail. I realize I don't have true enemies, but people who are trapped in the darkness just like I was, scared and too obstinate to believe that they could ever be wrong about anything in life.
When reading that last sentence you may thing that I am being a hypocrite, like I believe I am always right. Never, but I do know what is right. We find evil everyday in every crevice, on any street and any room. It's there, and we can't hide from it. But we can dispel the evil inclinations that arrive when are minds are left lying open for the enemy to step in and take over.
Follow the Lord, and speak with Him daily. He will direct your path, and seal the goodness of your ways. He will give you healing, just as He did me. Though I am no saint, I will say that I am purposeful in my intentions to be a good and caring Christian. Although goodness is by no means a thermometer for a better life. God is the gauge. Trust in Him.
1 [a]Why, O LORD, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the LORD.
4 In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and your laws are far from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me;
I'll always be happy and never have trouble."
7 His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
Seems that the wicked feel as if they shouldn't be accountable for their sins. Well, we all know there is a time for that. We will all be held accountable. Many of us wonder why we, the followers of Christ, are made to suffer so while the wicked hold high positions, influencing people in ways that are detrimental to their livelihood.
I know that there is a plan for all. God does not promise us a life without suffering, but He does promise that He will care for us. I know that he cares for me, because I am able to move about this world without worry, having the feeling in my heart that God cares for me. He shows me everyday, through the people I see and talk to, to the job I have, to my parents and my beloved friends.
I don't have it all together. No one does. I will be successful in all I do, and I will triumph when those who left me behind wanted me to fail. I realize I don't have true enemies, but people who are trapped in the darkness just like I was, scared and too obstinate to believe that they could ever be wrong about anything in life.
When reading that last sentence you may thing that I am being a hypocrite, like I believe I am always right. Never, but I do know what is right. We find evil everyday in every crevice, on any street and any room. It's there, and we can't hide from it. But we can dispel the evil inclinations that arrive when are minds are left lying open for the enemy to step in and take over.
Follow the Lord, and speak with Him daily. He will direct your path, and seal the goodness of your ways. He will give you healing, just as He did me. Though I am no saint, I will say that I am purposeful in my intentions to be a good and caring Christian. Although goodness is by no means a thermometer for a better life. God is the gauge. Trust in Him.
And now for something completely different...
Time to move on. It's time to take a perspective of triumph. No can say they have the same struggles, but some should be able to give benefit of the doubt.
I been through too much to walk backwards ever again. Forwards always. Bible study will now follow daily.
I succeeded just by getting up this morning.
Just know there is a deadline.
After that, everything is undone. I walk like a man. May God show us grace and mercy all of our days.
I been through too much to walk backwards ever again. Forwards always. Bible study will now follow daily.
I succeeded just by getting up this morning.
Just know there is a deadline.
After that, everything is undone. I walk like a man. May God show us grace and mercy all of our days.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Psalm 40: My Trust in the Lord!!!
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]
8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.
7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]
8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."
9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.
14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"
17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
Breaking Down the Wall
I am glad that I have friends. Friends that I know won't desert me when I am down. I called Antione a few days ago and left him a message about my current situation, and he got back to me today. It's interesting that when we come together in conversation we always end up with new perspectives and insight into who God really is.
"God is obligated to help us, because we are his children," Antione said. "He takes care of us just like any other parent." True, though some of us will continually doubt His presence or blame His goodness on chance. This is because there is and always will be evil in this world. Unfortunately, that is how the balance is maintained. Without one, there would be no reason for the other.
Antione spoke to me about the time he had to trust God to move to Maryland. I had not heard him speak on this much before, but it was a marvelous example of who and what God is for us all. He had to go to Philly for an interview, but he had no place to stay, no money for a flight...yet God provided all. People who knew him and the person he was gave him money to go. Our mutual friend Jeri, who was staying in Philly at the time, even lent him her car while he was there. During that time he was also involved in a retail theft charge, and the State of Illinois wanted to keep him from leaving unless he paid his fine for the theft. He didn't have the money, but his friend Adam sent it to him, no questions asked. God provided a way, though he was thwarted at each step.
Trusting what God can do, and what He has for us in the future can be hard. I came out here to the Northwest in order to find a better life for myself. I had no place to stay, limited money and no job. I just came out here believing where I needed to be, and what I wanted out of my life. And God worked a miracle for me. You will read all of these posts and find that something will stir a familiarity in your soul. Somethings will be so similar that you will want to ask me how I overcame it. Yet with God, all things are possible.
Antione has been struggling, just as I have. He has trouble with finances, feeling motivated to study the Word and just issues of inadequacy when it comes to providing for the family he has. I feel for him, and we both know the pain of being alone in our minds, hiding behind pride so that the devil can slip in a take what has been established. We both have mothers with diabetes, which makes us scared and vulnerable when we can't be around. Not to say that everyone has not gone through this, but we all deal differently. I cannot say that something that may seem trivial to me won't be excruciatingly painful for you. We are all different. But it helps when someone can relate to your troubles, and help you along.
Hiding being your pain is always the wrong thing to do. We must go to others to deal with the problems we face. To be a success, we can't give up. We can't call it quits just because the going got tough. I was selfish, yes, but there are lessons that are totally invaluable to be learned here. I find my way, with the Lord by my side, every day.
My friends and I are the "breaks" in our bloodline, as Antione so eloquently puts it. Honestly, we all stand out like like sore thumbs in our families, so unlike everyone that we seem as if we don't belong. Just like Abraham, we were chosen to begin something new, and prosper in new lands.
"God is obligated to help us, because we are his children," Antione said. "He takes care of us just like any other parent." True, though some of us will continually doubt His presence or blame His goodness on chance. This is because there is and always will be evil in this world. Unfortunately, that is how the balance is maintained. Without one, there would be no reason for the other.
Antione spoke to me about the time he had to trust God to move to Maryland. I had not heard him speak on this much before, but it was a marvelous example of who and what God is for us all. He had to go to Philly for an interview, but he had no place to stay, no money for a flight...yet God provided all. People who knew him and the person he was gave him money to go. Our mutual friend Jeri, who was staying in Philly at the time, even lent him her car while he was there. During that time he was also involved in a retail theft charge, and the State of Illinois wanted to keep him from leaving unless he paid his fine for the theft. He didn't have the money, but his friend Adam sent it to him, no questions asked. God provided a way, though he was thwarted at each step.
Trusting what God can do, and what He has for us in the future can be hard. I came out here to the Northwest in order to find a better life for myself. I had no place to stay, limited money and no job. I just came out here believing where I needed to be, and what I wanted out of my life. And God worked a miracle for me. You will read all of these posts and find that something will stir a familiarity in your soul. Somethings will be so similar that you will want to ask me how I overcame it. Yet with God, all things are possible.
Antione has been struggling, just as I have. He has trouble with finances, feeling motivated to study the Word and just issues of inadequacy when it comes to providing for the family he has. I feel for him, and we both know the pain of being alone in our minds, hiding behind pride so that the devil can slip in a take what has been established. We both have mothers with diabetes, which makes us scared and vulnerable when we can't be around. Not to say that everyone has not gone through this, but we all deal differently. I cannot say that something that may seem trivial to me won't be excruciatingly painful for you. We are all different. But it helps when someone can relate to your troubles, and help you along.
Hiding being your pain is always the wrong thing to do. We must go to others to deal with the problems we face. To be a success, we can't give up. We can't call it quits just because the going got tough. I was selfish, yes, but there are lessons that are totally invaluable to be learned here. I find my way, with the Lord by my side, every day.
My friends and I are the "breaks" in our bloodline, as Antione so eloquently puts it. Honestly, we all stand out like like sore thumbs in our families, so unlike everyone that we seem as if we don't belong. Just like Abraham, we were chosen to begin something new, and prosper in new lands.
A Song My Granny Sang...
Baptist Church goes may recall this one. My granny sings this beautifully...
Pass Me Not
1. Pass me not O gentle savior
hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
2. Let me at a throne of mercy
find a sweet relief
kneeling there in deep contrition
help my unbelief
Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
3. Thou the strength of all my comfort
more than life to me
whom have I on earth beside thee
whom in Heaven but thee
Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
Pass Me Not
1. Pass me not O gentle savior
hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
2. Let me at a throne of mercy
find a sweet relief
kneeling there in deep contrition
help my unbelief
Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
3. Thou the strength of all my comfort
more than life to me
whom have I on earth beside thee
whom in Heaven but thee
Savior, savior, hear my humble cry
while on others thou art calling
do not pass me by
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Empowered
To be empowered is to be armed with the potential to be a fully actualized individual capable of being the best one can possibly be. I ain't a hustler. I ain't a vagrant. I am not exactly a scholar. But I am aware of my potential.
A client named Pat told me today that there is no such thing as the "right person" for anyone. There are only people willing to do the work. This is coming from a 60 year old dude who is Christian, with his own past issues with marriage. He and his wife have even been in counseling. He even said he had wanted to give up. He recently was injured at his job, and therefore lost it. He is currently attaining a bachelor's degree.
I am saying life is often jacked up, and we may have to take different routes to arrive at one destination, but we get there eventually. We have been empowered to be great individuals, if we only are bold enough to claim it.
God bless. Fight for what you want. Go to battle for what you believe. Take a stand against evil. Love God above all things.
PEACE.
A client named Pat told me today that there is no such thing as the "right person" for anyone. There are only people willing to do the work. This is coming from a 60 year old dude who is Christian, with his own past issues with marriage. He and his wife have even been in counseling. He even said he had wanted to give up. He recently was injured at his job, and therefore lost it. He is currently attaining a bachelor's degree.
I am saying life is often jacked up, and we may have to take different routes to arrive at one destination, but we get there eventually. We have been empowered to be great individuals, if we only are bold enough to claim it.
God bless. Fight for what you want. Go to battle for what you believe. Take a stand against evil. Love God above all things.
PEACE.
Friday, June 6, 2008
"Visions" by Stevie Wonder
This song makes me cry at times. It's truly one of my favorites of all time. Listen to it if you get a chance. Download it even.
People hand in hand
Have I lived to see the milk and honey land ?
Where hate's a dream and love forever stands
Or is this a vision in my mind ?
The law was never passed
But somehow all men feel they're truly free at last
Have we really gone this far through space and time
Or is this a vision in my mind ?
I'm not one who makes believe
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around
I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending
But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to find our wings and fly away
To the vision in our mind ?
I'm not one who makes believes
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around
I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending
But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to take our wings and fly away
To the vision in our minds ?
People hand in hand
Have I lived to see the milk and honey land ?
Where hate's a dream and love forever stands
Or is this a vision in my mind ?
The law was never passed
But somehow all men feel they're truly free at last
Have we really gone this far through space and time
Or is this a vision in my mind ?
I'm not one who makes believe
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around
I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending
But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to find our wings and fly away
To the vision in our mind ?
I'm not one who makes believes
I know that leaves are green
They only change to brown when autumn comes around
I know just what I say
Today's not yesterday
And all things have an ending
But what I'd like to know
Is could a place like this exist so beautiful
Or do we have to take our wings and fly away
To the vision in our minds ?
I'm Back
Why do we fall?
So that we may learn to pick ourselves up again. In that learning, applied to whatever circumstances that we may have dealt with, we become greater people. This is in theory, and if you align yourself with God. Some don't understand this concept, because they have given up.
Others, in picking themselves up, will put up a wall to all that lent them hurt. (I am surely guilty) But in the end, forgiveness is key in order to move beyond our hurt. God asks us to forgive, but to also protect our hearts. The context with which we deal with the aforementioned commands is crucial.
I am a forgiving soul. I hold no grudges. Beware of those grudges you hold, and how they could cripple the remainder of your life.
Time is short, and I've returned.
God bless.
So that we may learn to pick ourselves up again. In that learning, applied to whatever circumstances that we may have dealt with, we become greater people. This is in theory, and if you align yourself with God. Some don't understand this concept, because they have given up.
Others, in picking themselves up, will put up a wall to all that lent them hurt. (I am surely guilty) But in the end, forgiveness is key in order to move beyond our hurt. God asks us to forgive, but to also protect our hearts. The context with which we deal with the aforementioned commands is crucial.
I am a forgiving soul. I hold no grudges. Beware of those grudges you hold, and how they could cripple the remainder of your life.
Time is short, and I've returned.
God bless.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Going Downtown
I had a scheduled assessment at the gym for 10am. I just made that, but it was worth it. I weighed in at 237, about 8 lbs less than my highest this year. My body fat is at 21%. I need to cut it to between 10 and 12%. He reiterated stuff I already know, like eating brown foods and avoiding the white. (visual clues for simple carbs and complex carbs) The Tosca Reno book was another suggestion, which I recall seeing at Christie's place.
He explained maximizing calorie burn by doing sets in pairs of fours. For example, 2 sets of lifts, an explosive set and a reactive set. The explosive set could be jumping jacks or explosive push ups. The reactive set could be core workouts, like sit ups. Keeps the body guessing. I alternated the 4 sets, doing pairs of one kind then the other. That was a hurter.
So downtown, 24 Hour Fitness. I found out I can drop 30 lbs in about three months. I say 2 or less. We will see.
Now I am watching Indiana Jones 4. I have a seminar to attend at 3:30 about making money in the travel industry in my spare time. Sounds promising, I guess.
God is gracious and merciful always. I thank him for my opportunities and my misgivings. I praise Him through good and bad.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Therapy, Part Duece (I AM A SUCCESS!)
Amazingly, I made it to therapy just about 3 minutes late. Traffic in Seattle was so damn brutal. I was excited to speak to the man again, especially concerning my issues of negativity and why I'm so hard on myself at times.
We spoke on my feelings of inadequacy, and why I would even feel this way. I told him (and I have had some time to think on this) that possibly I was feeling that I couldn't be the person others felt I was, or that I wouldn't be able to provide for my family the life they need. I also mentioned the fact that since my family is poor, maybe I feel as if I should be poor too, or that I don't deserve to make it out. It is a certain feeling of guilt that surrounds this idea, and that is a prison I've built.
He was intrigued by that, as if he'd never heard it before. A prison of the mind? Yeah, even before a friend mentioned this problem to me, I had thought people other than myself were exhibiting the symptoms. Lo and behold, the man righ' chere was suffering the same delusion. I am embarrassed to say it, but it's true.
The feelings of failure...he shrugged that off. He said that I should repeat "I am a success." several times daily in order to put myself in the right mind frame. That was good for me to hear, because once again, this is stuff I already know.
I guess I'm coming to the crossroads soon. The next steps will propel me forward as I have learned from my mistakes. My therapist said that those people who gain wisdom from their follies are able to use their knowledge to better themselves and gain insight for new beginnings.
I know I am a success. I have been a success since I came out of the womb. Just the fact that I'm breathing says I'm a success. I must make that my mantra for the month.
Next step, I'm gearing up to go to church. That excites me too.
We spoke on my feelings of inadequacy, and why I would even feel this way. I told him (and I have had some time to think on this) that possibly I was feeling that I couldn't be the person others felt I was, or that I wouldn't be able to provide for my family the life they need. I also mentioned the fact that since my family is poor, maybe I feel as if I should be poor too, or that I don't deserve to make it out. It is a certain feeling of guilt that surrounds this idea, and that is a prison I've built.
He was intrigued by that, as if he'd never heard it before. A prison of the mind? Yeah, even before a friend mentioned this problem to me, I had thought people other than myself were exhibiting the symptoms. Lo and behold, the man righ' chere was suffering the same delusion. I am embarrassed to say it, but it's true.
The feelings of failure...he shrugged that off. He said that I should repeat "I am a success." several times daily in order to put myself in the right mind frame. That was good for me to hear, because once again, this is stuff I already know.
I guess I'm coming to the crossroads soon. The next steps will propel me forward as I have learned from my mistakes. My therapist said that those people who gain wisdom from their follies are able to use their knowledge to better themselves and gain insight for new beginnings.
I know I am a success. I have been a success since I came out of the womb. Just the fact that I'm breathing says I'm a success. I must make that my mantra for the month.
Next step, I'm gearing up to go to church. That excites me too.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain
Wow. The worst rainy day ever...in a week. I suppose I oughta get used to this crap, but that takes all the fun out of complaining. I did buy a new waterproof North Face jacket, which helps tremendously on days like this. I bought that joint while I was out marketing with Danny. I caught hell for it at the office, shopping on company time and all. But they really made light of it. It was kinda a big joke...but I "better not do it again."
I met two cool ass customers today. Steve was the first, a musician who hails from my corner of the planet, East St. Louis, IL. He asked where I was from, and when I told him, he laughed and said, "You're not from East St. Louis." I responded again, in jest, and he said, "I'm from Collinsville." Collinsville is right outside of East St. Louis, actually bordering it. I was excited, and gave him some dap. This guy is 57 years old, and said he came out here in 1980. What was interesting is that he left for the same reason I did: there is nothing back home. Even down to him calling his mother and telling her he wouldn't be back. I did the same thing. Damn, the world isn't as big as you might think. It's one big revolving door.
Steve plays guitar now. Seems that he used to work for Seattle, and eventually he quit to do his own art. That is a lot like what I want to do, dig? We talked about life in Seattle and what made it different from home. We have a lot of thoughts in common. He gave me one of his cards and said he would tell me about his next show. That was pretty awesome.
Then there was Pearl. Pearl is from Vancouver and her husband is from New York. She said it was a big adjustment driving around the city because the drivers aren't as aggressive in Vancouver. New York is also a faster pace compared to slow-down Seattle. That part was undeniable. I told her about my recent difficulties and she offered her advice. As young as she was, you would think twice about that, but she seemed very sincere and wise. I was amazed. She said something that touched me deeply: "Don't worry about everything else when you are falling apart. You have to take care of you to take care of everything else, and it will fall into place." Surely that's some wisdom for your ass, from a young girl no doubt.
After work I went and set up a new gym membership. The stupid gym has 12,000 members! It also has a saltwater pool, free aerobics classes and three floors. A big ass gym.
I am excited to be getting back on track. Lord knows I need it.
I'm out. God bless y'all. Even though it was rainy today, I got a bit of sunshine from good people.
I met two cool ass customers today. Steve was the first, a musician who hails from my corner of the planet, East St. Louis, IL. He asked where I was from, and when I told him, he laughed and said, "You're not from East St. Louis." I responded again, in jest, and he said, "I'm from Collinsville." Collinsville is right outside of East St. Louis, actually bordering it. I was excited, and gave him some dap. This guy is 57 years old, and said he came out here in 1980. What was interesting is that he left for the same reason I did: there is nothing back home. Even down to him calling his mother and telling her he wouldn't be back. I did the same thing. Damn, the world isn't as big as you might think. It's one big revolving door.
Steve plays guitar now. Seems that he used to work for Seattle, and eventually he quit to do his own art. That is a lot like what I want to do, dig? We talked about life in Seattle and what made it different from home. We have a lot of thoughts in common. He gave me one of his cards and said he would tell me about his next show. That was pretty awesome.
Then there was Pearl. Pearl is from Vancouver and her husband is from New York. She said it was a big adjustment driving around the city because the drivers aren't as aggressive in Vancouver. New York is also a faster pace compared to slow-down Seattle. That part was undeniable. I told her about my recent difficulties and she offered her advice. As young as she was, you would think twice about that, but she seemed very sincere and wise. I was amazed. She said something that touched me deeply: "Don't worry about everything else when you are falling apart. You have to take care of you to take care of everything else, and it will fall into place." Surely that's some wisdom for your ass, from a young girl no doubt.
After work I went and set up a new gym membership. The stupid gym has 12,000 members! It also has a saltwater pool, free aerobics classes and three floors. A big ass gym.
I am excited to be getting back on track. Lord knows I need it.
I'm out. God bless y'all. Even though it was rainy today, I got a bit of sunshine from good people.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tired
I am so very tired tonight. I just moved all my stuff into my new place...it was, as once before, a grand ordeal.
a
This time around I have a plan: I'm getting rid of hella crap I don't need, don't wear or just don't use. All this stuff takes up time and space.
The blog I sent earlier seemed to have failed. I will have to send it again or do it over.
God bless the weary.
a
This time around I have a plan: I'm getting rid of hella crap I don't need, don't wear or just don't use. All this stuff takes up time and space.
The blog I sent earlier seemed to have failed. I will have to send it again or do it over.
God bless the weary.
Feels Good.
I asked God to give me an answer soon, and I know He will. I am on my way back to my new place, all packed up. I wanted to share a few photos I took today around the city, so enjoy.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Mustard Seed Faith
Let me just preface this by saying that no one deserves the goodness of God. It is by His grace and mercy that we are even allowed to live and breath. He is a just God, but he does not have to be fair. That said, let me testify about his mercy.
Last night, I was just thinking about how awful it was that I hadn't found a place yet, and I had seen at least 5 places by now. I decided I would check Craig's list once more before I got out. There were two rooms that caught my eye: one in Wedgwood, the other closer to the heart of Seattle. I emailed each hoping that I would get a response by Monday. I don't know much about Seattle, but I thought any place could be fine.
Before this had even come up, I had been hoping I could live close to a church or at least be able to attend one that I liked. I wasn't going to worry, 'cause I have enough on my plate, but I knew that would be nice for me.
Anyway, I sent the emails, not expecting a thing. Thirty minutes later I get a call from this lady about the place in Wedgwood. She sounded older, but she was also very nice, and an artist to boot. I felt comfortable with that, and I agreed to go and see the place the following day at 1.
I had not had much luck with this, and I was not liking the fact I would have to stay with KMad for a while until I found something. I packed up in the morning, and said my goodbyes, dreading the haul and the displacement. I was just not eager.
On my way to the place I began to feel anxious, looking for an exit that said "Lake City Way". It sounded familiar but I couldn't get it to click. I found my way to the exit, still confused, but more comfortable now I had found it. I followed it down to 95th amd saw a familiar sign, so familiar that my whole demeanor changed. Right then I knew it was fated for me to be here. The sign said "Mars Hill Church".
It was all I needed. The room was mine before I even stepped in. Bonnie, my landlord, is quite fond of art and her two dogs are well behaved. She showed me around and it just seemed right. So very right. My room has a view of Lake Washington, which is sweet. It has plenty of room for me. We closed the deal with a handshake.
The church is within walking distance. The ironic thing is that Christie's sister and here husband attend the church. I have been there a couple times before, and I really enjoyed the teachings. I will ask to get my Sunday mornings off so I can attend.
That right there you can't even make up. That is what is so amazing. Don't tell me what God can't do, man. That's real. I called my dad, in tears and just ecstatic to testify on how good God is. He was overjoyed. It was good to hear that he was proud of me for being a good son. More importantly, he expressed that just a little trust, a little faith in God, goes a long way. Mustard seed faith, it's called. Yeah man. This is so exciting! God moves! You can't tell me God don't exist. He is alive and real!
Last night, I was just thinking about how awful it was that I hadn't found a place yet, and I had seen at least 5 places by now. I decided I would check Craig's list once more before I got out. There were two rooms that caught my eye: one in Wedgwood, the other closer to the heart of Seattle. I emailed each hoping that I would get a response by Monday. I don't know much about Seattle, but I thought any place could be fine.
Before this had even come up, I had been hoping I could live close to a church or at least be able to attend one that I liked. I wasn't going to worry, 'cause I have enough on my plate, but I knew that would be nice for me.
Anyway, I sent the emails, not expecting a thing. Thirty minutes later I get a call from this lady about the place in Wedgwood. She sounded older, but she was also very nice, and an artist to boot. I felt comfortable with that, and I agreed to go and see the place the following day at 1.
I had not had much luck with this, and I was not liking the fact I would have to stay with KMad for a while until I found something. I packed up in the morning, and said my goodbyes, dreading the haul and the displacement. I was just not eager.
On my way to the place I began to feel anxious, looking for an exit that said "Lake City Way". It sounded familiar but I couldn't get it to click. I found my way to the exit, still confused, but more comfortable now I had found it. I followed it down to 95th amd saw a familiar sign, so familiar that my whole demeanor changed. Right then I knew it was fated for me to be here. The sign said "Mars Hill Church".
It was all I needed. The room was mine before I even stepped in. Bonnie, my landlord, is quite fond of art and her two dogs are well behaved. She showed me around and it just seemed right. So very right. My room has a view of Lake Washington, which is sweet. It has plenty of room for me. We closed the deal with a handshake.
The church is within walking distance. The ironic thing is that Christie's sister and here husband attend the church. I have been there a couple times before, and I really enjoyed the teachings. I will ask to get my Sunday mornings off so I can attend.
That right there you can't even make up. That is what is so amazing. Don't tell me what God can't do, man. That's real. I called my dad, in tears and just ecstatic to testify on how good God is. He was overjoyed. It was good to hear that he was proud of me for being a good son. More importantly, he expressed that just a little trust, a little faith in God, goes a long way. Mustard seed faith, it's called. Yeah man. This is so exciting! God moves! You can't tell me God don't exist. He is alive and real!
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