Notes to Self (1-4)

Just stumbled across these...I had pretty much forgotten about them. I emailed them to my yahoo account back in February of 08. Since it's an account I don't use too frequently, I haven't checked it since then! Wow. Well, anyways, it's nice to look back at what we have gone through and be amazed at what God has done. Amazing stuff.


1. February 9th, 2008
Most folks don't understand. Sometimes, I believe that I understand, at least partly. Let's just say that in contemplation of the moment and the interim before its realization, I lose a bit of myself. I think it's because I live in my own little dream, thinking that I can surmount any and everything that this life has set as an obstacle. In many ways I know that I can be so much better than I am...but how am I to get there? How can I accomplish the task of making myself a truly more magnificent being?

I have written about this several times, but since I only understand in part, it's like I am grasping at air, hanging from a precipice hundreds of miles up. But it might be possible that I'm never supposed to understand fully, and that the journey towards the understanding is all that matters in this life. Now, I have found the Lord, and I am better for it, but He is still asking me to do something more. This next action is deliberate and will define the rest of my life. This is the truth as I see it. This is where I am confused. This is where that precipice becomes more real and my life seems to be taking a turn for the worse, and all I can do is agonize and worry as my grip slips.

I could be confusing myself. "Life is not an equation to be solved, but a journey to be experienced."


2. February 14th, 2008
Little is here to misinterpret. I see that God loves me, and that there is a balance that must be maintained between the goodness and the sorrow, evil and good. I see God as an impartial ruler, a loving father who is generous to all his creations. I feel that we receive our lots equally, although some experience different levels of joy on this plane of existence. This is why I am not angry at God for what I don't have, but more puzzled as to what to do with that which I claim. Therein lays the confusion...the "little" that I misinterpret.

I cannot follow this world any longer. It seeps in and out of me, like water to the body. The more I try to interpret, the more I try to hold on, the more lost that I become. I should be better than all of this. Alas, I am walking through the darkness.

If there are those who would follow my words, read my writings and wonder about my sanity, don't be mislead. I am quite in control of my mental faculties. My vision may be terrible, and sometimes my short term memory fails me, but that is nothing that belies concern. If there is a time where my children will read these words in order to comprehend my life, I hope that they will understand that I am only trying set myself apart from this world, and impart a legacy.

If I could but teach it all, right here right now, delegating and authorizing the wisdom I possess, I would. Instead, I catalogue my thoughts in disjointed packs, broken and dispersed with little reason. It is virtually mental vomit, but I am aware that it streams and flows consistently. (there is a vivid little picture for you)

Terminus Est- the point of division, the moment of parting, the end of ends...
Come with me while I gather a tale of nothingness, of walks of dread and darkness, of lighted hallows and haunting sunsets. A living, less lively interim of perplexing madness made from life worked in a circle. This is where the end becomes a beginning of sorts, unraveling a man and revealing what God has proclaimed; what God has ordained.


3. February 15th, 2008
In the end, there will be sorrow. Someday, when I find my true path, and I am able to be at peace with this world and my decisions, I still will remember that sorrow always follows. No matter your lot, no matter your fame or possessions, there will be sorrow. I suppose we are made for it. We are built for the worse that this world could bring forth, meant to surmount every obstacle and meet, with dignity, our last day. I believe that we cannot see God for what and who He truly is without embracing the terror of struggle. There will be struggle, there will be change, and it is always constant. To go against this truth is like spitting in God's face. This is why I know that as I embrace some conservative ideas and positions, I must be able to see that flexibility is needed to live peacefully with one another.

I know that Jesus wanted us all to work together. I know He felt that we should be one in mind, and serve God's design. What is most beautiful about that is that no matter if we feel it or not, we all serve God's purpose. Each life impacts another, each person influences another. We share bonds and break them, we laugh and we cry. Our experiences and hardships bring us closer to one another. Until we are able to agree on what and who God is, we will remain separated as the human race.

And quite possibly, even this life, as it is, is what God intends for us. It makes me reach toward Him, knowing each dark day that follows is gonna be bright once again. Longing to see the sun.


4. February 16th, 2008
I wonder a lot about those folks who do not believe in God. By saying this, I mean God in the most general since: a belief in a grand architect, a creator. It puzzles me that we can look at all we have in this life, all that lives and breathes and is beautiful, and not be moved to understand that God is real.

Some people are hindered in their belief because they cannot understand why a good and benevolent being such as our God would allow such suffering and pain in the world. I can answer that quite easily, I think. Or better yet, I can provide a just explanation.

God is good and benevolent, but he gave us free will. This allows us as people to determine our own fate, regardless of what may be supposed about our lives. But the thing about free will is that it reverberates throughout time, touching each and every person, linking us all together like one eternal quilt. We are tied together because the decisions that we make today will determine the world that our children will be brought up in. Thus suffering is but a consequence of free will, the price we must pay for being able to make our own choices. There is no way to eliminate suffering because to do such would be annihilation; total and complete destruction of life on this planet. God allows us to choose to love Him or not. He allows us the opportunity to embrace His light, or travel in the darkness. There will always be suffering, because light cannot exist without dark, or it would have no validity. There are two sides to every coin. This is truth behind belief in God. I find that people are too thick-headed to humble themselves before God. No one wants to admit that they are wrong, and everyone assumes that they have found the answer.

Whateva You Like!

Do you often wonder why people have things you don't? Have you thought that you had been short changed just because you didn't get exactly what you wanted?

We've all been there before. I know I have. When I think like this I recall how good God is, and then I know that He does things; allows them to happen for a reason. Maybe we can't get that new job because there is something even better coming along at the present gig. Sometimes it requires patience, but it is essential to seeing God's plan.

Don't fret about the things you have no control over. It will just guarantee a big stressful headache where you should have peace. God wants the best for us all. Have faith and believe in Him who grants strength to the weak.

The Story of the Baby Bluebird

Here's a little morality story for you. I got this one from the movie My Name is Nobody.

There was a lonely baby blue bird chirping in its nest. It was cold, and the bird was hungry, so he decided to jump out of the nest and try to fly. Well, he wasn't quite able to get his wings to flap just right, and he fell with a "Plop!"

Still hungry and still very cold, the little bird chirped and chirped as loud as he could, until along came a cow who felt really sorry for the baby bird. The cow lifted its tail, and took a huge steaming dump on the bird. Even so, the bird was not cold any longer. All he needed now was some food.

He chirped his little heart out some more until along came a wolf. The wolf heard the bird chirping and took his paws and dug him out of the cow pie. He lifted the little bird up and ate him in one gulp.

MORAL to the story: Everyone who shits on you may not be out to hurt you. And everyone who helps you out of a jam, may not have your best interests at heart.

Secondary MORAL: When you're up to your neck in shit, keep your mouth closed!

Forward

Looking forward, one must be prepared for the unknown. Nearly six months ago I was seemingly at my wits end, wondering if I could possibly become the man that I want to be. I was literally lost within the wake of my choices, trying my best to decipher what it all meant.

Life is so crazy sometimes. One moment we could be angry at the world itself, collapsing inside as what we know to be true comes crashing to smithers. In the next instant, we are just happy to be alive, thanking God that even as we suffer, we are alive.

What I see now is that it is one huge puzzle, a life that we piece together, together, linking our pieces with so many others, helping to create the great experience that is Life. We are connected forever, whether or not we want to be.

God has set in motion such a great chain of events that it would be nigh impossible to unravel the tapestry. But I get it. I understand what transpires and why, and what must happen in order for us to reach the next level. I am no longer afraid of living. I accept commitment. I revere God.

What comes next will shock many, but it is for the best. My mind is at peace and I feel comfortable with my decision. God will take care of the rest.

Y'all be easy, man.

The New Hope Vote

Here we are, much of us crippled with that ever so familiar butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, on the eve of what will essentially become the most profound historic moment ever: the possible election of a black man to the highest office in the US, and the possibility of a woman as Vice President.

Either way this goes, the shockwaves will be felt throughout the planet, as we make way to reverse the damage to our reputation with other countries that we would normally have strong ties. Our relationships with many of our neighbors are strained, and people in our own country find the government action/inaction appalling and ridiculous to say the least.

I spoke to a soldier, an Obama supporter, and she remarked on how the War in Iraq has gone on too long, now with over 4,000 U.S. troops pushing up daisies, which leaves us with an option to pull out with 2 years. Many desire victory before we withdraw, but with no clear enemy, no face to place on terrorism, we are fighting blind anyway. Terrorism will never be quelled, for those who are willing to throw their lives away for one common cause, make an invincible opponent. They are everywhere...and we can't tell a terrorist from an orthodox sheikh. America is lost in the desire to destroy something we don't understand, and in that sorry ignorance, we may be digging our own graves.

So, be careful to vote for the possibility of peace, but more importantly, vote for what you believe in. My father and I disagree on the candidates, and his reason for voting is a bit of fanaticism in my opinion, but it is his right to choose. That right will be defended at all costs.

Box in Hand

The world waits for angled impressions, ideals with wings and blind morals, and with box in hand, I may wait as well. Heathen masses growl like angry jungle cats, ashamed at everyone else but themselves. I see them following one another like lemmings, each one different but the same, treading through mounds of capitalistic drivel like so much mud. Your thoughts have been subliminally telegraphed to your medulla oblongata via sneaking in the building like burglars as you watch Britney Spears systematically dismantle her life. Box in hand, I briefly misunderstand, is this country suited to the average man? Is this where I make my stand? Is that why I do what most can't, while they do what the can? There are false idols at work, those of flesh and sin, and those we hold close, and covet with a grin.

Box in hand - a gift of promise to share with the world...
A box in my hand, a man, a dream, a conqueror, a thief, a king.
A present for all who talk and scheme,
Open it up and see what I mean.

Excerpt: SOD

When I was getting ready to leave DC, standing in the bus terminal, thinking I had it all figured out to establish a new life and a new career back home, I was just oblivious to the circumstances that would mold a foundation of sorts for my future. My then-girlfriend Angela stood inside the building, her brown eyes teary and sad, not truly wanting me to leave, but knowing deep down there was nothing she could do about it. It was a powerful decision, one that would echo throughout my most significant relationships for years to come. I would become the King of Letting Go, the reluctant ruler of transformational experience. I had ended a four year relationship in order to trace my own path, and it would not be the last.

I had been living with Angela, and she was attending Howard University. I had been, subconsciously jealous of this, and I so much wanted to have a better life and an easier time pushing toward my goal. Yet, it was more likely I would face more adversity in the coming months.