Come Together

I use Wikipedia constantly; daily. The more I use it, the more useful it seems. Thinking on it today, as I searched about one thing to another, from hazing to Brainiac, it dawned on me: Wikipedia is much like the people of the planet, linked by common threads, like cultures and ideas.

For example, I tested my theory by choosing a random subject: Smallville. From Smallville I read on, clicking on one link after another, different highlighted words that carry you to other sections of Wikipedia. I jumped around to Seth Green, to Brainiac, to hazing. It did not go exactly as that, but my point is that each of these links inside their subjects can carry you to subjects completely beyond your first intention. Honestly, I get lost in the learning sometimes. But I am quite inquisitive and well read, with a ravenous hunger that Wikipedia feeds.

I am just saying that it is awesome to look at, how each subject is tied to another by some commonality. Much like we are, as people. We have friends that know of others, that know of someone famous. I mean, look at Myspace. It is a networking juggernaut that bridges the gap of distance and societal ideals. The internet itself, does this, so easily. I guess the world is not so big as we thought.

We are coming together once again, as it was in the past. People helping people, sharing thoughts and ideas toward a common bond and the need to be understood.

We will continue to come together, and hopefully for the better.

Titus (Taylor of Cahok')

I haven't talked to Titus in a long time. Man...

I was telling him about my recent dilemma and he was more than happy to offer a bit of insight. Seems that he had gone through a breakup as well, and he also commented on one of our mutual friends, Robert Rose, and how he was separated from his girl, who is now his wife. Rose was going crazy being away from her, his mind thinking a million things. He was in Kansas and she was Boston. It was tough for them for a time, but they made it.

Titus and I lived in the projects together. We both had single moms (at times) and we went to the same high school- played on the same football team. We both got out, too. He said that his mom is so proud of him that no one can say anything bad to her about him. Even though he admits to not having accomplished all he desired, he damn sure ain't ashamed of it. He's where a lot of folks wish to be.

Knowing that he has struggled too, makes me feel better. It was a surprise to have him call me after a random text..we don't talk everyday. He just wanted to be there for me 'cause he knew it's better to talk about things than internalize them. "Man, you hold all that shit inside and you'll just explode. Better talk to folks that been through the same stuff..." That's real talk.

I feel I'm just finding out who my friends are, and I feel good. I also know how to handle things in the future.

Speed

The years have gone by leaving me to answer for the future seemingly caught in a loop. Though I move forward I recall those days lost when I had no clue to what life really meant. It's the blinding speed of learning what moves to make when there are only two paths to choose. There is win and there is lose.

What You Feel vs. What's Real

My dog Antonio. I called him today to tell him about what I have been feeling and how much stress I've been in, and he lifted my spirits. First, he let me know that what you feel, all those emotions that we have about our positions and our success is all feeling and false. But the reality is that we have come further than we can give ourselves credit. Often we get the two confused, and our feelings betray us. Peep game on some examples-

Feeling: I don't have the type of job I need.
Reality: I have a job. I have an advanced degree. I came from nothing to something.

Feeling: I haven't accomplished as much as others my age.
Reality: I traveled to a place where I knew no one, and made a life for myself.

Feeling: I failed at so much.
Reality: I wrote a book. I made it out of the ghetto.

These type of thoughts are what I had fallen victim to. This is the voice of the devil, robbing me of my joy at every turn. I had already been told I had the victory, just because I am out here doing this all by myself. Who can say that they have done as much as I have? Not many at all. Matter of fact, there are people in my hometown struggling to do things that I have found easy. I was blessed by God, ordained to be a magnificent man of genius and moral fiber. Yet, I am not excluded from temptation and evil. We all fall short of the glory of God, my friends. We are all sinners. So I had begun to think that I had failed at my life, and was stressed about being able to give something of substance to someone else.


"I don't really feel what you've failed at," Antonio asked. "What have you failed at? Can you answer that...?" Antonio was adamant. I couldn't really answer. Only thing I could come up with is that maybe I feel afraid that I will fail. Or that I am afraid of being successful. Either way, they are both wrong and false images. One thing I didn't fail at was getting someone to love me, and loving them back. I didn't fail at getting these degrees. I am a success.

"Everybody I know is at a different place than they wanna be. Everybody feel like somebody at a better place than they are." Antonio speaks like some sort of saint at times. He often just says the right thing as if he's known it all along and you're too silly to have seen it. It's almost like matter-of-fact. I admire that about him. He told me he admires the fact that I set goals for myself and make them. He reminded me of years ago when he visited me at home and he saw all of the written goals on my wall, particularly the one about "Go Back to School!" Hell, I had nearly forgotten that.

I told him that I appreciated his help and kind words, and he said. "No problem man. We all need it at times. I'll probably be calling you tomorrow." He laughed at that because we have been known to help one another constantly, as friends should. It's to be expected.

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good. Recall your own feelings about any situation and remember the lesson I have learned: feelings/emotions will always betray you, but reality will never fail. Reality is concrete and definite, but emotions will fade at times. You have the opportunity to know the difference between the two and make the best choice for yourself.

Leaving ERAC airport @ Seatac

First I must say that this has been the most fun I have had at any job. I will miss the folks here and I mean everyone. I made a lot of friends and learned hella, so I am down for the next round.

On to a new branch and insight to new pieces of my life. I am excited. Thanks goes out to K-Mad, Dave Bailey, Katie Snow, Presto Change-O, Michelle, Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, Isaiah, Mike M., Billy, Brad, Lance, Luana, Melly Mel, Seth Orr and everyone that made the B7 experience extra spizz-ecial. I'm kiddin', yo. Y'all make a cat wanna cry or something...I'll miss ya.

Escapism

In the moments I share now within myself the dismay clouds
an otherwise bright day making the worries cripple my movement
and I wish to be someone else, some other time.

Escapism, the idea of liberation leaves me to ponder my prison,
these walls that I have built, brick solid and clear as glass
do not give to my touch, cold as the past.

Reading between is living in place of a dream
is living a lie of probable success, holding onto nothing that
is of consequence in this reality- to overcome is a process.

The means of freedom, the scheme to fly, to make your wings
the reason why that caged bird sings, is nothing if you can't believe
that believing in yourself is the key you need.

Id, Ego, Super-Ego (A path to freedom)

Let me just say that the research for this piece was done after viewing the movie "Revolver". Check it out if you get the chance...

Freud argued that the mind was composed of three theoretical constructs: the id, the ego and super ego. Fashioned in infancy, the id is the summation of the basest desires, such as food and sex. It is the most animalistic and instinctual of the three, lying in direct opposition to the super-ego. The ego is supposedly the “self”, which is what we have become through interaction with the world around us. It actually is driven to satiate both the id and super ego. “The Ego comprises that organized part of the personality structure which includes defensive, perceptual, intellectual-cognitive, and executive functions. Conscious awareness resides in the ego, although not all of the operations of the ego are conscious.” The ego is said to be a slave to three masters: the id, the super-ego and the world. This is because the “self” must attempt to work and live in harmony with each of these constructs in the most pleasurable way possible. The super-ego is the refined part of the psyche, regulating and defining the higher ideals of the ego. The super-ego allowing feelings of guilt and remorse. Feelings, fantasies, hunger and sex will be prohibited by this construct if they are defined by the ego’s ideals as such.

Thinking of this, I know that we each have three personalities fighting within us, jockeying for position. Herman’s Head, a 90’s sitcom involving a man and his unconscious interactions with the three distinct parts of his mind, is reminiscent of Freud’s psychic apparatus.

My Id would be called “Big Dogg”. Big Dogg is a nickname that was given to me in the dawn of my adolescence. At this time, as with most twelve year-olds, I was exploring girls and sports, things that gave me pleasure. I was experimenting, feeding the monster that was my id without concern for who I hurt. Sex was my vice, as I recall. It was the one thing that I sought to explore above all else, and I didn’t care what harm I caused myself or those I came in contact with. Big Dogg is the animal side, the growling beast that smiles like a baby, yearning for satisfaction, willing to feel pain for pleasure.

Marcelle is the Ego. He is me, or as close to the “real” me as possible. He is the culmination of experiences, the benefactor of situations. He has reaped what he has sown, and accepted the consequences of his actions. He feeds the id and super ego, vacillating between both hemispheres, an unconscious mediator at times. I am still not sure how to understand or differentiate between Marcelle-me or Marcelle-ego. I don’t know if they are the same or totally opposed. That is the problem, because I know that I can be fooled into thinking that the ego is me, because it tells me how to interact according to the whims of the id and super-ego as well as my environment, “the world”.

Ward Prefect is the Super-Ego. He is the teacher, the admonisher and the advocate for change. I find that the ideals that are embraced by the Ego can be enforced by Ward Prefect. I believe that God is at the forefront when the Super-Ego can be accessed, and that I am at my best when I am able to trust in my own ideals. Support for restraint and meditation are found there; the love of God emanates throughout if I am able to keep the clear mind that my super-ego endorses.

What is most puzzling is that when I became aware of these three psychological constructs, I found myself able to combat inclinations that I had previously left unchecked. It is like I am peering through the window of my own house, watching each of these personalities interact. Big Dogg’s on the couch, Ward Prefect is reading and Marcelle is trying to get them both to help clean up the house. It seems surreal now; like I can see myself for the first time. Now I am thinking there is a fourth construct: true self, or the Watcher.

This idea of the Watcher is not without its difficulties. One has to be aware of which one of the constructs he is dealing with at any one time, so as to not lose control of the self. The ego identifies with safety and resists struggle at times. The Watcher can see these hesitations and act upon them for the better of the whole being. Each of these parts, each construct, is still dependent upon the other. I believe what makes it all so marvelous is the idea that we don’t have to be slaves to any of them: we can benefit from regarding each, scrutinizing our moments carefully. We can weigh decisions better, and form more positive relationships.

It has been said, and I will believe this until my death, that 100 percent of our perceived external enemies are falsely created by our egos due to the fears, ideals and mores that culture, the world and our experiences have forced upon us. The true enemy all along is inside us: the ego sometimes becomes us and is able to lead us into a false sense of self. It makes us believe that we are it, and the feelings it expresses are true enough for us to follow and benefit from. If you think about it, why is your enemy your enemy? What makes him bad to you? Is it the ideas of others or your experience with them? Is it because of an idea you had about them, or an action that they took? What is the real cause of your feelings of hate or fear towards them? Christ came to Earth to present the reality of living in peace with one another. He championed love over hate, peace over war, and forgiveness over bitterness. He asked us to love our neighbors and forget about ourselves for once. It is in the self that we create these demons that cause us to fear people, situations and ideas contradictory to our own. That is profound, for as I think on it, all of the enemies I may have thought I had, were just formed through my fears, brought on by my interaction with the world. Why would I say that I hate another man, when he has not personally caused me harm? Should I call a man my enemy because he does not believe as I? Or because he does not like me? He may not like me because of someone else or something that his culture has instituted upon him. That is a prison of its own, and I need not be shackled again. We should live free and as friends through God.

This is another path to freedom.

Running Through the Trenches

In all, I feel that this time I have spent here in the Northwest has been challenging and top of that, stimulating. This is some intense stuff, you dig? I mean, I have gone through love challenges, relationships, and bullshit. All of it so necessary. But still, where do I go from here? Marriage is surely a next step, a possibility, but will it pull it all together and make everything solid? Don't know, but I can say that I am in need of answers. It's scary not knowing what to become, or where to turn. Becoming the best of oneself is the next phase, but how is that done? How can I see through to being more than I am?

I write on this constantly, but I have never really come up with the answer. Maybe it's just walking the path, trying to get to the being. In my head, I know what I would like to become, but it doesn't always work out. "You don't know where you goin' when you lost.", says GURU. And that's real. Maybe I am lost. Maybe God will give me the chance to find myself. I need to know how to be happy. I mean really happy. I think that I suffer this because I haven't given myself the chance to see the real me. I talk all this smack about being "above" all this nonsense in the world, but I'm wrapped up tightly in the shit, wound up like a toy car. But I will figure it out. That is gives me integrity. I have the ability to look at one side and step back to contemplate the other. I stay true, with honor, and I will take one for the team. I will be the one who gives it all up for truth, because it is more precious than gold.

Here me know, man, I ain't no stupid ass dude. I may be a bit confused, but I will not regret my life. I must do the best to make sure I am happy. I won't be my uncle. I won't be my pastor. I won't be my pop, either. I will be Marcelle in all of this. I will establish my own individuality, and become a productive member of society.

Peace, and all the rest go mad.